Spiritual Awakening, Growth, and Enlightenment/Love
QUESTION: I need to know the difference between to 'love' someone or to be 'in Love' with someone. I found the statement below and i don't know if it is considered true - (i am confused by many contracting definitions)! Your help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you
"when you love someone you care deeply about them but you dont necessarily have to see them every waking moment (brother sister mum dad) , when your in-love with someone they are your life, they complete you."
ANSWER: Dear Sally,
Thanks for reaching out about love. Here's my take on the quote. To love someone is to care deeply for someone and yet allow them to be who they are. There is no agenda to control them. To love means that there is even no agenda about they loving you. To be "in love" is actually a misnomer. It is about sexual attraction and infatuation. You are a complete person from the beginning and so no one can "complete" you. The feeling of being "in love" is the biological trick that nature uses to bring folks together for mating, commitment. Being "in love" never lasts. It always ends at some point or another. So, many folks fall "in love" and get married but then they fall out. It is then that the real love comes in or not.
However, loving someone can last for a long time. It is a choice you make from day to day, moment to moment. Being "in love" is not much of a choice. When you are "in love" you don't actually see your beloved as someone with faults, but someone who is perfect (especially for you). When you love someone, you see their faults and yet you decide to still love them.
Hope that helps.
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QUESTION: Thank u very much :-). Its just that my partner of 3 years has so much 'love' for his mum, son and daughter. It is the mother and daughter relationship that i just can't get my head round.
With regards to his mother i'm not sure if it is his need to spend so much time with her or her demanding it (although deep in my heart, i know she would not want to think she did that). I like her alot; she is a lovely person. She said to me, richard knows her love for him goes beyond love. I don't know what this means.
With regards to his daughterr who is 20 years old; the relationship he has with her appears somewhat obessive. He appears inflactuated with her. She can do no wrong in any shape or form and they constantly communicate their love for eacher verbally, via text messages and face book. The 'want' he has to be with her is so much that it makes me feel like second best. I feel she doesn't actually respect her dad, nor does she respect the relationship he has with me. Please don't think i dislike her - i don't - but i don''t feel comfortable with what us happening. It wasn't like this in the beginning of our relationship, well it was manageable, but her demands have somewhat increased over the past year and continue to do so even greater. I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to accept the constant communication between them.
I feel she has destroyed my relationship with richard and will probably continue to do so with any further relationship Richard may wish to have. I am so cross with myself for getting angry with him. After all if it is what makes him happy why did i say anything. Why was it effecting me so much.
Please may i add his daughter works for him so they are in constant contact during the day. (She has taken the job of receptionist which richards ex wife did before they separated). And i sometimes get the feeling she has taken her place in his life too.!
He has nearly finished renovating his property so they will be moving in soon. She has refused to pay any rent and was unwilling to help her dad get the property ready. Her attitude towards everything is joy (richards ex wife) had it so why shouldn't she.
I've messed up; there is no return to my relationship with richard; i said too much when we argued. So really i ask myself whats the point in all this. I've let him go - he can be happy with his mum and daughter as they are what appears to makes him the happiest.
Please tell me... Is this all me being unreasonable, am i the one making it a problem or ate the relationships he has with his mother and daughter perfectly acceptable. I am so totally confused by it all. Please may i add, richard and i are for the majority of the time very happy wen we are together. He says he enjoys it at my house, he can relax with me and i wondrr if it is his way of escape as and wen he needs it.
Thank you so much for your help.
Thanks for following up with more details.
First thing I want to tell you is that you didn't mess up in this. Don't make yourself bad or wrong. You expressed how you felt about all this. It's OK for you to have your feelings and your boundaries.
Here's are some questions to ponder: Do you want a relationship with Richard or not? What kind of relationship do you want with him or someone else? Has Richard professed his love for you? Did the two of you talk about what you wanted in your relationship? Be specific as you can here. It's important to know what you want.
This situation is one that you created (because we are always creating) to learn about what you want and what you don't want. You learned about boundaries and what feels like healthy boundaries and what doesn't. You learned about respect and what happens when you or someone else is not respected. All the people in this situation were playing out parts for you to see and experience. They provided contrast for you to experience and you can focus on what you prefer for yourself. You don't have to judge yourself or them for their choices. We are all choosing what we feel will serve us the best. Sometimes we choose things that hurt us and don't know it. We don't see other choices before us.
You said that Richard says he enjoys it at your house and he can relax with you. That's great but he could get that at a hotel or a friend's house. In other words, it's not love. Is that what you want in a relationship?
So, there's a lot here to think about. It may even anger you to read it. That's OK. This is your opportunity to focus in on what you want for yourself. First, you must love yourself. That's about respecting yourself, listening to yourself, trust yourself, care for yourself. Then, you can love others without fear or judgment. You won't be able to create anything but a wonderful relationship for yourself.
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QUESTION: I met richard on a dating site 3 years ago. We started going out with eachother in january 2010. He had been separted from his wife for 6 months and was not in a good way. I had separated from my husband 4 years before that but just cone out of a 3 year relationship and was not really in a good place either.
We found comfort in eachother, and always enjoyed our times together. I supported him through his divorce as his ex wife, she had met someone else and although he was with her for 10 years or so they had only been married for a couple. She however was not the mother of his children, whom he was with for 10 years or so, but never married. She too went off with somebody else.
During our relationship we have had many good times together, we have supported eachother in many ways. Due to circumstances i lived at his place with my children for 8 mths in april 2010. He is (or was) currently staying with me since may this year while he renovates the house he has bought. We always get on well.
Richard does however have a problem with the word love, he doesn't believe in it. (Well where relationships are concerned, since separating with his wife). I know he loved the mother of his children and he still does have love for her, he told her a few months back and is open with me about his feelings for her. I also know he loved his ex wife and obviously he lives his family.
He has always said he thinks alot of me. He tells me he really likes me but untill recently he has not used the word love. That is untill his friend told him, you can say you love someone, but it doesn't have to be for ever; you can love them today but not tomorrow, or this week but not next week. Richard says its crazy how can you love someone one moment and not the next. However, after this he began to tell me he loved me today, but he may not tomorrow.!! When he ever told me he really really liked me, i thought he was trying to say he loves me, bit who knows.?
As for talking about what we want from our relationship, he says when he met me he wasn't looking for a long term relationship. Strange how things work out. He tells me he can't imagine me not being in his life. But he does say he is not ready to settle down, he needs his space. He says maybe in the future.
If i know where u stand, i'm ok with this. When he bought his place he mentioned about me living there too. I was happy, but we never really spoke about it, i wasn't 100% sure, although i think i probably would have done.
He has now said to his mum to move in there, she will rent her flat out and it will pay his mortgage. He said he would spend most of his time here. To be honest i don't get this.
So that is our relationship - well, was!
Ps Richard is a very sociable guy, he is an only child and he enjoys others company, including womens company; he has many women friend that are like sisters to him. This i am fine with. He enjoys going out and travelling, and we spend many enjoyable time together and have had a few lovely holidays with eachother. His ex wife however, apparently was very controlling and he was kept under a close eye and not allowed to socialise without her. He never wanted to marry but he said she crushed him down so much he ended up giving in. He feels the marriage was just purely for financial gain on her behalf. He said he didn't leave because she had made him feel he wouldn't beable to manage without her - its so awful that he was made to feel that way, i can't imagine why anyone would want to do that.
I hope all this gives you a better insight into 'us'. I know what u mean about he could go to a hotel or friends house to relax. He likes to be looked after, he works very hard, and is often tired.
Thanks for the more detailed information. If you'd like to talk more about this or other life issues, I'd encourage you to find support so that you can find a relationship that better fits who you are. Coaching can really make a difference. I'm sure there are wonderful coaches where you live or, if you want, I'm available via skype. My website is www.becomingawake.com