Expert: arani_CsA - 1/13/2008

Question
Dear Arani,
I am a new domme and will be starting training this year.
For the time being I will only be a domme to other girls.
I am not currently into extreme pain, blood sports etc but am very interested in worship, sub/dom, caging etc.
I would love some advice on how to truly please my sub and be a brilliant domme all round.
I appreciate your response,
Kisses, Bree x

Answer
Hello, Ma'am...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  i hope i can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Your letter does raise some philosophical questions.  i am not a submissive, but a slave trained in the Gorean way.  And because of this, the concept of a Mistress pleasing the slave is a bit foreign to me.  For a slave, especially a Gorean, the Master/Mistress quite frankly doesn't care whether the slave is pleased or not . . . and that's the way the slave wants it.  The very thing that the slave finds thrilling is to be seen as an animal or an object that is not entitled to feelings or pleasure.  she is merely there to provide pleasure, and not to feel it.

However, one thing that differentiates a submissive from a slave is that the submissive participates in the lifestyle because she finds pleasure in doing so.  Most submissives choose who they will submit to, and what they will and will not do.  In fact, some say that the submissive is the one who is truly in control of the relationship.  She is allowed limits, and a safe word, and can enter and leave the relationship at will.

Essentially, though, a D/s or M/s relationship is much like any other in some respects.  Two parties meet and feel a mutual attraction, which then leads to an exploration of needs and desires.  If both parties find that their needs and wants mesh, or have some commonality, then there ensues a period of negotiation in which they determine whether there is a possibility of solidifying their relationship.  The same applies, to some extent, with vanilla couples.  

i would advise you to get to know your prospective submissive well, over a period of time.  You should be in agreement not just on play activities or sexual service, or housekeeping duties, but also on how you like to spend your spare time, what your spiritual/religious inclinations are, and basically any area you might consider when choosing a life partner of any sort.  It doesn't do much good to share an interest in rope bondage or foot worship, for instance, if she has a nasty habit of slurping her soup or chewing her fingernails.  It is, in my opinion, a mistake to enter into a relationship with a submissive with the thinking that you can change those things about her that you don't like.  That doesn't work in the vanilla world, and it doesn't work in D/s either.  Oh, she may learn to stop chewing her fingernails if you command it of her, but personality traits or deeply-held beliefs aren't likely to change without some resentment on her part.

My suggestion is that you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area, and attend a few meetings and other functions.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here you can speak to other Dominants (male and female), and observe how they manage their submissives.  You can meet potential submissives face to face, spend time with them and note how they interact with others.

i also suggest that you read as much about the lifestyle as you can.  Some good websites that i recommend, if you haven't already seen them are:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.wizdomme.com (focus on Fem-dommes)

Good luck to you in your search.  If you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius