Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/27/2008

Question
I have been involved with another man for 4 years. I used to be hardcore into BDSM but let that slide becaue at the time in my youth I was iresponsible. I knew I needed to wait until someday I found a partner in it that I could trust and respect. Well this man was when we met just exploring but treated me like I was fragile, So he chose to explore with strangers saying with me he didn't "need" to build fantasy as I was "enough" as is. Well ths led to him entering another relationship with someone he flet more "acceptable" to it. Meanwwhile it didn't seem to sink in I actually needed that part to feel whole sexually. Well things have changed. He's back and things are better with us the other guy is gone and we are really friends now, He's a leather title holder now etc. BUT He still views my desires in this with trepidation. he says he loves me, and that he finds me to be a passionate lover. He ssems to feel BDSM isn't soething you can blend passion and love with. He feels that kind of thing is best with strangers and people he feels nothing for. I am not sure if he's taking my desires to share some of these experiences with him seriously or that I am just saying this stuff to "go along" He put on the Gear once but soon it came off and we were back to vanilla. Mind you I don't mind but I am not sure how to handle this idea of his. Can it be he is afraid? He is very passsionat and attentive to me. Do you know anyone else that has run into this? I want this and it does bother me that the man I'd like to share this with is for lack of better terms "freaked out" by doing this with me and not with a complete stranger. Am i asking too much?? I don't really want to be with strangers while I rediscover my own side of this.

Answer
Hello, Gunnar,

You were wise and waited to explore BDSM with someone important to you. Now that you've found that someone, it turns out he wants to explore with only casually and not with you. I can see how this situation would be especially frustrating. And, yes, it does happen that some BDSM people need to have a primary vanilla relationship and a separate, secondary BDSM relationship. There are some other possible reasons why this is happening, though.

It could be that he is, as you guessed, scared. He could be afraid of hurting you or he could be afraid of hurting the relationship. He may have a wrong idea about submission and not want to see you in what he perceives as a "weak" role. It's also possible he thinks he won't be able to satisfy your needs.

It could also be a style difference. Your partner sounds like he enjoys the play aspects of BDSM but not the relationship aspects. I have to say, I've never known anyone who was actually doing face to face BDSM to characterize it as "fantasy." It may be that he has a totally different concept of BDSM than you do. You might have to try educating him a little.

My sense is you've tried to talk to him about this and sometimes feel like you're talking to the wall. If you want to resolve the situation, you're going to need to keep trying. I don't think you're asking too much at all. You're trying to get your needs met and in a healthy way, with a partner you care about and respect. You're going to have to do your best to get him to not just listen, but to hear you. If he has your best interests at heart, he needs to look at things from your point of view. Reassure him that you love him, too, and any BDSM activity won't change that. Stress how much you want to explore BDSM and that you want to explore it with him. Explain that, for you, there's a strong relationship component in BDSM, that it's not fantasy, and that it increases intimacy. Offer to go as slow with play as he needs to feel secure.

I doubt you'll get through to him the first time and maybe not even the second or the third. Eventually, though, he's likely to talk to you, either in an effort to solve the problem or to put the situation to rest. That's when you'll get enough information to decide if your styles really do work together and, if they don't, figure out what you're going to do about it.

I don't want to mislead you, Gunnar. I think your chances of him seeing it your way are about 50-50. Even so, it's better to make the effort than to go on feeling as you do. My sense is you love and respect each other enough to arrive at a solution that will work. Who knows, working together, you might come up with another, highly satisfactory alternative.

I wish you both the best.

Mistress Violette