Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/30/2008

Question
Dear Mistress Violette,

I met a beautiful man while he was in my country on business.  He's back in his home country now, but we're in daily telephone/email contact and see each other as often as we can.

We started out quite vanilla, but we've been flowing into more of a dom-sub dynamic as we progress.  I'd had plenty of bdsm experience before (although always in-the-flesh, so to speak), but this is the first such relationship he's had.  Luckily for me, he's a natural and thrillingly imaginative dominant.

Because we're simply going with what feels right, we're not necessarily sticking to the regular conventions of bdsm.  And I guess you could say I'm a strong sub - submissive, but not passive.

My question is, how does one be a creative and obedient sub from a distance?  I don't want to put all the onus on him to keep things interesting.  

I've shared my fantasies about how I want him to dominate me, with exciting results when we finally get together.  I guess what I'm really looking for is a way to demonstrate my submission to him though we're not actually together.  Any ideas?

x
Imogen.

Answer
Hello, Imogen,

It sounds like you've found a good partner and a fulfilling relationship. I think it's great you realize you have some responsibility within the relationship, too. I'm going to point you to some places with ideas for you to consider.

First, though, I may have misinterpreted something you wrote. If I did, I apologize. If I didn't, I think it's important for me to stress that submissive doesn't equal passive. The willing surrender of a strong, competent person is incredibly valuable. It's not much fun to dom a dishrag.

I really don't know any other way to demonstrate submission than for you to be respectful and obedient. Honoring his wishes sends a strong message, whether you're together or apart. The distance doesn't change what submission is. It may have an impact on how you express it but the important thing is that you do express it. The mechanics don't mean as much as your genuine desire to give your submission to him.

I'm always reluctant to make play suggestions, because so much depends on the individuals involved that I'd have to make very long lists. :) Instead, I'm going to list some sites where others have already made suggestions. Some of them may work for you right out of the box, others might require some modification. Use your imagination to figure out what will be effective for you. Or use the suggestions to stimulate your own ideas.

I think it's important to find things you can do real time when you're on the phone or instant messaging. Your dominant might also enjoy  delivering some instructions by e-mail and possibly getting reports back that way. I enjoy written reports because it seems to bring me closer to my submissive, plus they can be very entertaining. You and your partner might work out a scenario whereby he closely controls your activities for a period of time, sending you instructions while you reply with reports.

Now, for some specifics in terms of play:

The first site is: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
Here you'll find lots of general information on BDSM, advice for the beginning dom and a page of BDSM activities, many of which can be used in a long distance relationship. Since your dominant is new, this would be a good site for him to look at, too.

A site with excellent ideas for play in long distance relationships is: http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/net_long_main.php3

This thread was aimed at play with male subs but some of the ideas would work fine for female subs: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/boards/generalbdsm/147015/0/

Once you've checked out these suggestions, I'm sure you'll find some you can use. You can customize some of the ideas to the interests of you and your dominant. With these suggestions, and drawing on your own real time experience, you should soon be generating some effective and satisfying ideas. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette