Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/22/2008

Question
I have always known that I've been far more submissive than dominant. From a young age I was interested in being captive, even though I didn't know why. I have also always been big on fun. I love having fun in bed, and with fun comes spunk, then aggression, and in recent years my dominant streak has begun to manifest itself. I have never, until now, been with a man who I perceived as submissive in any sense of the word, or that I would have felt comfortable being dominant to for that matter.

Well, now I am with someone who is so sweet and, dare I say, tender, that it makes me want to explore my dominant side. Being experienced as a submissive and from speaking with a few submissive men, I have noticed a general pattern. I'm not saying this is even close to majority, but in my personal experience, the submissive women I have met have had the submissive personality of "How can I serve You?," whereas the submissive men I have spoken with generally only think "What are you going to do to me?". Noticing this, it is hard for me to take (most of) my experiences as a submissive, or even my own wants and desires, and translate them into things I can do with my submissive man. I am perfectly alright with telling him what to do to me, how to please me and all that, but the problem is that I don't know how to please him. I am aware that him pleasing me DOES please him, but I know that he still wants to be pampered. I cannot flat out ask him right now what he wants, though. I can tell that he isn't very experienced with dominant women. Even if he could tell me what he wants, I would much rather be able to do things to him, for him, without any input from his side, you know? Not yet at least.

I guess my question is.. Where can I find new ideas, or information in general? I have done searching on my own, of course, but the vast majority of information I've found has been for dominant men, and I'm not the kind of girl to get on top and ride him like I want (I don't like being on top anyway). Other than that, the information generally doesn't apply. Sorry I ramble so much by the way.. heh. Anyway, I guess I'm looking for.. Lists, ideas, more information. I want more insight into what men (in general) desire. I know I know, everyone is different, but there is still a basic set of things that every submissive wants, before branching off into personal kinks.

So, if you can find my question in there, I am interested in being pointed in the direction of more information, maybe even a person who wouldn't mind speaking with me about such things. Thank you for your time and for sharing your expertise. :)

Answer
Hello, Paula,

I'm happy to point you to some resources. I'd also like to talk a bit about some of the things you said in your message.

It's not uncommon to enter BDSM as a submissive and later find your dominant side. There are some communities in which that's considered the best route to take. The idea is that, having been on the bottom, these tops know what their submissives are experiencing.

It used to be that most people into BDSM were familiar with the concept of "getting done." This means the so called submissive makes his wants known and the dominant then caters to them. There's no power exchange involved here; it's more a form of sexual play that has some activities in common with BDSM. People who only wanted to get done weren't  seen as valued participants. Now, with easily accessed but not always accurate information widely available, I think you've spotted the trend. Many men who think they're submissive just want to get done; they don't know enough about BDSM to know the difference.

You do know the difference, though, and I think your partner does, too. So I'm going to give you resources that will help you discover if you enjoy being dominant and, if so, help you develop that facet of you. As you continue with your explorations, there's one thing you need to accept and assimilate. Dominance is not about pleasing your sub, it's about him pleasing you. You said your partner wants to please you. If that's what satisfies him, you have a gem, and the two of you could be an excellent match. Your responsibilities as a dominant are to keep him safe, help him grow and to meet his needs. This last is different from pleasing him.

Pleasing him is something you do as a reward and it's going to vary with the individual. For instance, my last submissive loved affection, being caressed and held. His predecessor, however, felt very uncomfortable with that. His reward was to be allowed time to relax with his pipe and a book. It's natural to want to pamper your submissive when he's been especially obedient or stretched his limits. But it's not your goal and  how you do it is not the same for all subs. The only basic set is what you already know that men in general like. If you know this man well enough to be playing with him, my sense is you already know how to reward him for playing well. And don't be afraid to use what you've learned as a submissive in your play with him. My guess is he'll find it effective.

Communication is a big part of BDSM; mind reading isn't. Both of you are going to have to make your needs, and your expectations,  known. I'm going to suggest that the two of you explore together, discussing what you find. As you're learning how to take control, he'll be learning how to give it up. I think you'll find it's not only worthwhile but fun, too.

I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

You have an incredible journey ahead of you. I hope you enjoy every minute!

Mistress Violette