Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/22/2008

Question
hi, I am relatively new as a submissive.  I have been with my current partner for almost a year now and he has been initiating me in the realm of BDSM.  The entire experience has been a fabulous eye opening experience for me...I can never go back to plain old vanilla.  But there is a problem:

I am wholly and truly submissive. I cannot understand the perspective of dominance.  My partner is a switch who is always dominant with me but lately has been telling me he misses submitting.  He says he is very turned on by the thought of sharing his submissive side with me.  He knows I cannot domme him but would like to find a dominant ( male or female) to force his submission with me included in the scene.

While this has never happened, we have played with other couples and the results have me worried.  Two things have happened: I have discovered that he is much less dominant than the people we have played with and he barely participates.  It seems when faced with someone dominant, he cannot act in anyway other than as a submissive so he does not take the lead and doesn't participate because him as a submissive was not expected on those occassions...

So here it is...I have liked the rougher treatment at the hands of other doms and I know I can let him know and if he can, he will act upon it.  But what if he is more submissive than dominant? And I can't be that domme he needs?  Is this a common dilemma?  I suspect to survive the answer may be to only play with other couples/people when he is expected to submit...but what do I know about this?

Thanks for your help...C

Answer
Hello, Catherine,

Whenever I've been looking for a submissive I've been approached by more than a few men who labeled themselves as dominant but were actually looking to submit. It's an interesting phenomenon. So, yes, it's possible your partner is going to turn out to be more submissive than dominant.

People change, grow, evolve. It's not uncommon for partners to discover inclinations waxing and waning. When that happens, the partners have to determine which is more important, the BDSM or the relationship. It sounds like, if that happens, your choice would be the relationship. It can be done.

There are several options. One is to decide not to do BDSM, period. BDSM is a want, not a need; people can survive without it. Another option is to switch between yourselves. While each of you might not get the degree of intensity you really want, you would be getting some of it and you would be getting it from your primary partner. For some people, that's satisfaction enough. Finally, you could decide to have secondary partners, for play only. This works well for many people. Just be sure you both understand the rules and that your secondary partners do, as well. Rules would cover allowable activities, especially sexual, and that the needs of the primary partner always came before those of the secondary partner. I think it's important for all concerned to be especially alert about the last part.

I'm going to share this last  bit as information only, for the consideration of you and your partner. In my experience, a submissive is often uncomfortable seeing her dominant submit to another dominant. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It's about having to deal with the conflict of seeing him in two very opposite roles. This might not be a problem for the two of you but I did want to alert you.

You seem open to the idea of exploring your own dominance or, at least, your ability to be dominant with him. I'm going to add some resources I think are very helpful for women who want to learn about dominance. Some of them are useful for men, as well. Who knows, you might both get some new ideas.

I wish you the best in resolving this. Just know it's not an impossible situation and it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling outcome.

Mistress Violette

Resources:

I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html