Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/12/2008

Question
I recently deceived my Dominant, I let my emotional state control me.  I confessed the deception almost immediately but it has shaken the core foundations of our relationship.  He has decided to keep me and give me another chance. Have you any similar experience or advice on how to get through this type of relation ship problem?  

I posed as someone else to see if he would respond.  I was highly stressed and in the middle of an anxiety/panic attack which is no excuse for my insecure actions.

Answer
Hello, Lily,

Sounds like there's some turmoil in your relationship right now. I hope I can give you some perspective that will help you improve the situation.

It sounds like you're approaching this in a productive way. That is, you've acknowledged and accepted that it's happened, it's over and you're ready to move on. This is much better than dwelling on the problem, so you're already headed in the right direction.

Trust is earned. I think you know you're going to have to work hard to regain your dominant's trust. But my sense is there were already trust issues in the relationship. That's because you identified your actions as insecure. What motivates insecurity? Lack of trust. It looks like the two of you are going to be working together on earning trust.

To trust you, your dominant is going to need to see a pattern of trustworthiness over time. If this was an isolated incident,  all you need to do is continue behaving appropriately. If there have been other incidents, or if the opportunity presents itself in the future, you're going to have to work a little harder. Either way, as you demonstrate that you're trustworthy, your dominant's trust in you should grow. Just be aware that this could be a slow process. He's going to be hyper alert for a while and might question you more than in the past. Understanding that this is a normal reaction and part of the process will help you deal with this appropriately. Be prepared to be patient.

You're right, being in the middle of an anxiety/panic attack is no excuse for your actions. It is, however, a reason and can't be discounted. You're probably taking some actions to deal with the attacks already. You may be in therapy or have medication. You've likely learned some techniques for managing your stress and the attacks. I'm going to suggest you ask yourself why these didn't work for you at the time of this incident. Once you know that, you can bolster your resources so it doesn't happen again. It may be that you need more practice on your techniques. Or maybe you need a new technique. Or maybe you opted to allow yourself to act that way. Regardless, see if you can pinpoint the reason, so you can work on prevention.

For his part, your dominant needs to deal with your insecurities. You didn't do this because you thought it would be fun or wanted to annoy him, you did it because you were having a problem. All your good intentions could be undermined if the trust isn't a two way street. You need time, too. It's possible the two of you moved a little too fast in this relationship, not realizing you didn't have a solid foundation of trust. It's easy for that to happen. Now you've gotten a wake up call and you know where the work is needed. Every relationship has bumps in the road and this one is certainly surmountable. I hope the two of you will see this situation as a chance to work together to firm your foundations. If so, you'll likely be able to turn a negative into a wonderful positive.

I wish you the best in mending the situation. If I answer another question, don't hesitate to ask.

Mistress Violette