Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/10/2008

Question
Thank you for responding to my question.  You stated in the email that you needed more information about the problem I have been having with the right commands.  Here is the situation.  I'm a new Dom and the girl I am with is new to the D/s lifestyle.  Ive had some RT experience in the past.  The commands I have been giving her only works temporarily she is then back to doing her old behavior.  Example: She does not follow through with what she says.  Even though I told her that I wanted her to keep her word for now on.  Infact this is what I said to her. "You are to keep your word and follow through with what you say for now on".  She agreed but a few days later she is back to not keeping her word.  Is there a more effective way of getting her to obey?  I've read that punishment is to be used as a last resort in bad behavior.  Talking through a situation like this is more reasonable and I have talked with her, she claims that she just forgets to keep her word.

Answer
Hello, John,

Thank you for providing more details. That was exactly what I needed to know. Considering this and the examples you gave previously, I have some thoughts on the situation.

First, there's nothing wrong with the wording of your orders. They're clear and easy to understand. You're doing just fine in that area. That means the root of the problem is something else and I see some possibilities.

I don't know how much talking and exploring you've done together but it's possible she's not totally invested in BDSM, because she's not exactly sure what's involved. I think the first thing to so is be sure she understands your vision of the relationship and agrees with it. You can't go much farther until you're sure you both see the relationship the same way, with similar goals.

Once you've defined the relationship, make it clear the obedience is expected. If misbehavior occurs, she needs to be able to tell you what the problem is. If the problem turns out to be deliberate noncompliance or lack of attention to her responsibilities, make it clear that there will be consequences. This is not a threat or bullying on your part; it's making sure she knows what will happen if she makes the choice to disobey.

Another possibility is that she's testing. It only makes sense for a submissive to assure herself that her dominant is capable. The traits a sub is looking for are individual to her and can include technical knowledge, strictness, fairness, firmness, gentleness and so on. She may be expecting you to demonstrate whatever qualities she's looking for. If so, it appears she might want you to be more firm than you have been. If this turns out to be the case, outlining consequences, and enforcing them when needed, should help.

The last possibility is that it's a matter of character. In my experience, the kind of dom or sub a person is depends on the kind of person he or she is. So, if not keeping her word or similar is a basic personality trait with this person, it's unlikely you can "dom her into" doing anything differently.

You'll need to do some talking with your submissive to find out exactly what's going on. Once you do, you can act accordingly. Your reading and prior experience have served you well so far, so listen to your instincts. If you have additional questions once you get to that point, please feel free to send me another question.

Mistress Violette