Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Mistress Violette

I would be grateful to receive your opinion on my problem.  I am a full time mature student at Oxford University.  My husband and I met six years ago after having known each other at school 25 years ago.  We threw ourselves into our relationship and knew that we wanted to be together immediately.  I was divorced with three grown up kids.  He had never married, no kids.

I had just finished a ten year relationship which was sexually fulfilling in every way.  It couldn't have been better.  Vanilla mainly but some kink which just seemed to come naturally (i.e. no labels).  My husband immediately introduced me to his interest in BDSM and I thought it sounded great fun.  I threw myself into it taking him to dungeons, blowing his mind, it was great.  I loved it and I was good at it.  I even thought about doing it seriously, as a profession.  I was a little insecure though.  I said that all this was great as long as we had a "normal" vanilla loving sex relationship too.  Read alot about BDSM so I could be really good but was nervous of not being brilliant (a character trait of mine which applies across the board).  All seemed fine until I found out that he had been looking at BDSM online (big time).  He had thousands of images of women with guns, all sorts.  Okay, I thought, I'll plays guns (pretend ones!) but I started to feel more insecure.  

I messed up then.  Got drunk at a party.  Kissed a friend of mine (quite openly) and told my husband about it thinking not a problem.  It was a huge problem and completely messed him up.  I was mortified.  He started to look at more BDSM online.  I lost my confidence completely.  Went back to dungeon.  No good.  I started to feel like I was beaten by the images on the internet that he was looking at.  The vanilla sex thing was not really happening either.  I felt everything had to be his way.  I really started to get screwed up about everything he looked at online, granny sex, trampling.  Everything seemed to be messing my head up.  I became frightened of BDSM.  Stopped dressing up for him.  Decided I needed him to show that he wanted me for me, not for my BDSM capabilities!  We stopped having sex.  

It died a complete death about 18 months ago.  We have had vanilla sex about three times since then.  We can't even have vanilla sex without BDSM creeping in.  He still calls me Mistress if I get in the slightest bit dommie.  I really need to know that we can have a "normal" sexual relationship and he knows this, but I don't think we can.

I feel so resentful about the whole thing because I really LOVED the fun we had with BDSM and I kinda feel it has been taken away from me.  I am sooo screwed up it is not true.  Can't even wear a pair of high heel shoes now because I feel I am competing with his fantasy women.  I JUST WANT TO BE ME, exactly as I was before.  I don't understand how this has happened.  

We love each other massively but any sexual attempts just seem to get more and more hopeless.  I made him go down on me at our last liaison and look me in the eye while he did.  I was horrified at what I saw.  There seemed to be only uncomfortabless in his look.  

I really don't know where to turn now.  I am so turned off the BDSM (due entirely to my own insecurity I know) that it makes me sad.  And our vanilla sex life is non-existent.  I don't really know how we got here but I desperately need a physical relationship with my husband.  I don't think we will last much longer without it.  

I am sorry for the length of this - I did try to keep it as brief as I could.  I would so much appreciate any advice you could offer.

With kind regards
Vanda

ANSWER: Hello,

Don't worry about the length of your message. Details are very helpful. Using them, I hope I can give you a little perspective on your situation.

I wish our culture gave us a little more education in the differences in the way men and women think and feel. It would be so helpful to so many women to know that their husbands aren't comparing them to the models in porn and that they're not looking at it because they're dissatisfied.  To women, sex is an expression of feelings; to men it's often just a pleasurable experience, no emotion, just fun. Your husband isn't even associating it with you when he looks at porn online. It's something that turns him on, he enjoys it, he doesn't equate it to what happens in the bedroom with the woman he loves.

It's not unusual for women to be concerned when their husbands view online porn. Many think, as you did, that it means he's no longer attracted or that they have to compete with the airbrushed perfection he sees online. The unfortunate thing is, they're wrong and they worry needlessly.

So, first, you have that issue to deal with, the fact that you've made yourself unhappy worrying about competition that didn't exist. Then, you have the matter of the kiss, which might have been an outgrowth of that. I'm wondering if it was your way of confirming that you're attractive and desirable.

The thing about the kiss is that it's done. Regardless of why you did it, I'm thinking you've acknowledged that it was a poor choice and won't happen again. You both need to forgive you and move on. I know that's easier said than done and it's quite possible you're not going to be able to do that on your own, either of you. I strongly suggest you and your husband have an honest discussion about whether you can get past this and repair the relationship just the two of you. If not, it would be helpful to see a counselor. Sometimes an uninvolved third party can point out things you don't see because you're too close to the situation.

You might hesitate to see a counselor because of the BDSM involved. But this isn't a BDSM problem; it's a relationship problem. Vanilla people frequently have situations similar to yours, so you won't shock a counselor. If you don't want to talk about the BDSM you can simply refer to sexual activities and let it go at that. BDSM isn't what caused the situation, so you're not depriving the counselor of needed information if you don't bring it up.

I think you're both unhappy now because neither of you understands why the other made the decisions s/he made. Some serious discussion is in order, now and continuing after the problem is resolved. Neither of you set out to hurt the other and that's a big plus. There have been missteps but it's possible to set things right. When that happens, you'll get your physical relationship back and probably the BDSM, too, if you'd like. And you'll be more comfortable in both roles. It's not going to be easy but it sounds like what you have together is worth fighting for. I wish you the best and, if there's anything more I can do, feel free to send along another question.

Mistress Violette

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Mistress Violette

I am so grateful for your thoughtful reply.  What has been really interesting is that for the first time, I seem to be able to acknowledge that perhaps it is my own state of mind that has a lot to do with our problem.  Maybe it's because you have removed the confusion of the BDSM for me.  Until now, I have struggled to believe that it is purely my reaction to my husband's use of internet images that has caused this because I have never considered myslef anti-porn.  In fact, from time to time (and, incidentally, with my husband at the start of our relationship) I use some pretty strong internet images myself, so I should understand the disassociation that is involved.  

I think that what might have happened is that, due to various and compounding circumstances, I have built up a way of thinking about the images and about my husband's attitude towards me which I use almost as a punishment.  I beat myself up all the time, constantly.  This thinking process seems to have become automatic to me and I have no idea how to break it.  For example, I see a woman in the street who I know fits with the image of what my husband finds sexy and I use her to beat myself up.  Another example, during sex I find myself in a position which is reminiscent of an image that I have seen in his collection and I lose all confidence instantly, so much so that I feel excrutiatingly embarrassed, like a fool sometimes.  This thinking process is something I have honed and perfected over the last few years and it is something that now dominates my life.  I don't know if I have made this clear enough but the problem is, I don't know how to break the thinking pattern.  Do you think I need some CBT therapy?  (By that I mean Cognitive Behavioural Therapy rather that Cock & Ball Torture, although the latter sounds far more exciting!!)

Again, I am immensely grateful for your kind advice.

With kindest regards
Vanda

Answer
Hello,

You're very welcome! I'm glad to be of help.

I worked in an office that provided employees with Computer Based Training. My heart skipped a beat every time someone mentioned CBT. :)

I understand the situation better, given the additional information. It sounds like this is quite a strong mind set and I don't have a fool proof solution for you. Now that you're aware of what you do, you could try just telling yourself "Stop!" whenever you catch yourself doing it. It's possible that changing your behavior on your own will help change the mind set.

We both know, though, that it's possible it won't. That type of thinking is there for a reason and it's possible that modifying your behavior won't help with the root cause. In that case you might need help a.) finding that reason and b.) finding another way to deal with the reason. A discussion with a counselor could be helpful in doing that.

Just to be sure I've covered all my bases I want to add this. It sounds like this happens in vanilla situations as well as BDSM. If that's not the case, I could be wrong about this not being a BDSM problem. If you were only experiencing these feelings when you were being dominant to your husband I'd have to wonder if you were as comfortable with the dominant role as it seemed from your original message. If that's the case, you're doing what most people in BDSM had to do at one time or another and that's understand that there's nothing wrong with your enjoyment of BDSM.

I hope I've shed more light on the situation, rather than made the waters murky. I think putting your obviously excellent intellectual powers to work on this information will help you decide the route you need to go. If you'd like to let me know how you make out, I'd enjoy hearing back.

Mistress Violette