Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/11/2008

Question
Dear Mistress Violette.I have been in a longdistance relationship now for 4 years and   it dont seam like it will never end, we just belong together. He is the "boss" always like he speaks it. I would say I let him think that, but overall he is a very wise and fine man and for all fair. In the bedroom or dungeon I let him be the master! To something totally different, in the beginning of our relation i was putting at the test and yes I enjoy that time, maybe to much since I am a masochist and enjoy be putting to my limit. But I do feel subish way dont get myself into much trouble and when I do my so called punishments wont be any fun ones as it did back then, as when you know a person to well, so my punishments will be something that hasnt to do with pain or humiliation either, it can be something  like sleeping a night downstairs.Now to my question and Im sure more then myself ask if im sane, I rather get tied up sleep in a corner then set to sit still or sleep in a othe room then in my masters bed, when this happened i feel so bad and everytime I think I lost him for good. Is this normal that I react so strong to his rejectment. These are the times it is hard to be a sub, but also why I conduct to try it not to happened again, I hope you can understand me, though im not native english. I love to read all your writing. sincere Tami

Answer
Hello, Tami,

I'm glad you enjoy reading what I've written. I hope I'm going to write something especially helpful for you now. :)

As I understand your question, you're wondering if it's reasonable to feel bad when your master punishes you by withdrawing his presence. It's not unusual to feel rejected when that happens and to feel the accompanying emotions of sadness and such. Those feelings happen to all of us from time to time,  even in vanilla situations. Rejection is never pleasant.

I think sometimes it's even less so for a submissive. You've trusted a great deal and really opened yourself up, so you're especially vulnerable in emotion charged situations. When withdrawal happens, it would be hard not to take it personally, to feel you've failed and that perhaps your master won't care for you as much. When this happens, please remember that your master wouldn't have accepted your submission if he didn't think you were valuable and worthwhile. He's not withdrawing because there's something wrong with you or because he no longer cares. He's deliberately doing something you don't like, to make a point. Chances are, he doesn't like it, either, but he knows it works to help you behave better.

When using this form of discipline, it's important that the dominant be clear that he's withholding attention only, not  his affection. Your master may not realize the depths of your feelings about his withdrawal of attention. I don't think he wants you to feel insecure about the relationship. His goal is probably simply to change your behavior, not to unsettle you emotionally. If you haven't told him about your extreme reaction he can't do anything to reassure you. I'm going to encourage you to share what you're feeling with him. You won't be asking him not to punish bad behavior in this way. You'll be asking only that he take a moment to reassure you that the relationship remains intact regardless of your behavior. That way you'll spend less energy worrying about a problem that doesn't exist and focus on your resolve to behave better.

I hope I've answered the right question. If I misunderstood or you need something more, it's not a problem. Just repeat the actual question and I'll be happy to answer again.

Mistress Violette