Expert: arani_CsA - 1/21/2008

Question
generally I'm the dominate one in relationships and in my life. but I'm in a relationship for the first time where I am the submissive, and I willingly entered into the relationship like that. But sometimes I'm unsure on how to be a good submissive. another thing is, my Master hasn't even been involved in this sort of thing before, he is a good natural dominate, but I've been into BDSM for a long time where as he has only thought about it/watched porn on it. So sometimes he expresses worry that he feels he could be a better master. we vary between our sub/master relationship and being equal at times. and I was just wondering if there are any suggestions or articles that can help us both.

Answer
Hello...

Thanks for coming to me with your question.  i hope i can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You may have heard it said, by some, that all of us have a dominant side and a submissive side.  There are various times and situations where we will use one or the other, and that doesn't necessarily mean that we are a switch or confused.  Speaking for myself, i started out in this lifestyle as a Domme, and have owned three men in my life.  However, about nine years ago a wonderful man showed me that i am far happier being a slave.  Interstingly, that same man spent most of his life as a submissive, and there was a time when he actually begged my collar.  Now he is a very strong Master, and no one would ever guess that he ever had a submissive bone in his body.  i may not belong to him any longer, but i still have a lot of respect for him.

Even though i am a slave, there are times when i must assume a dominant role in life -- with repairmen, with employees at work, with children, and so on.  In fact, even though i am a slave, i am not by nature submissive and i at times have to struggle to be more obedient.  (My Master and i don't believe that slaves must be submissive.  Just because i do submit doesn't make me a submissive, any more than the fact that i do occasionally cook makes me a chef.)

The only person who can determine whether you are a "good submissive" or not is your Master.  What one Master may consider desirable qualities may be totally different from another's preferences.  My suggestion is to listen to him, and let him direct you.  He should let you know when you are pleasing, and when you are not.  Use your natural gifts of intuition and creativity to figure out for yourself what he likes and wants, and then take your cue from him as to whether you've guessed correctly.  My Master is not one to set a lot of rules for me; he much prefers that i figure out for myself what works and what doesn't.

You say that your Master is a good natural dominant.  That's very important, although you probably already know that having a natural inclination to do something doesn't mean you have the skills to do that thing successfully.  That goes for bowling as well as for BDSM.  Part of the learning process is trial and error -- to figure out just what methods work best to control you.  At these times you can serve him best by keeping him informed as to how you feel and how your body and mind are responding to him.  The other best way he can learn is by spending time with other dominants, speaking with them, and observing what things make them successful.

As to your being equal at times, that is something that happens naturally.  In all of our relationships we will move through the continuum between dominance and submission, and the same is true with D/s relationships.  Speaking for myself and my Master, there are times when he is considering a major decision and will consult me for my opinion.  This may be something as significant as refinancing the car, or something as trivial as his choice of wardrobe.  What helps me here is to keep a mind-set that every moment of my life, every action, is geared toward making life happier for him.  And sometimes i can help him out most by being his equal for a time, or giving him advice when he asks for it.

i suggest that the two of you get involved with a local BDSM group, and spend time with other Dominants and submissives.  Speak with them, and observe what they do -- what works for them and what doesn't.  Listen to how they feel about their roles and what inspired them to realize those roles.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  These groups will have on-line discussion boards, and also regular meetings and other events.  None of us can do anything in a vacuum, we all need the support of others who are doing that same thing.

i hope this has provided an answer to your questions.  If you have any further inquiries, please do let me know.  Good luck to you and your Master.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius