Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/27/2008

Question
i am relatively new to the D/s in general. i have been studying everything i can about the lifestyle and i believe wholeheartedly that i am a submissive. unfortunately, the only avenue od D/s i can explore at the moment is online, for various reasons. i admit i was rather quick to take this role in the beginning and jumped into the arms of the first Dom who would have me. our sessions were mostly roleplay, which left me pretty unsatisfied at times. our online relationship only lasted about the span of a month, ending because i found out he had a rl girlfriend.

recently, i have found a new Dom that not only respects me but challenges me and encourages me mentally and emotionally. we have been corresponding for about a month and we are just now beginning to discuss the sexual side to D/s. i have come to really care - even love - this new Dom, but i have some questions on how 'real' an online relationship can be:

1. i have read that rl Doms and subs consider online D/s to be little more than fantasy. my relationship feels very real, even if we can only see each other on screen. is this just roleplay or a valid connection?

2. my new Dom and i are very far apart in location...i live in america and he is onthe other side of the globe- Australia. that means we are VERY far apart in time and can only make a few hours for each other in the morning and in the evening. is there a way we can overcome this and stay in contact without rushing?

3. is it wrong for a submissive to ask for a collar? i asked my new Dom for one and he agreed. for now, my collar will be a mere symbol for my dedication to him. is our interpretation blashpemous?

4. my new Dom told me in the very beginning that he has a rl partner and, surprisingly, i am ok with it - in turn, she knows about me. how do i show respect to my Dom's real life partner and how do Doms and subs keep their roles while having primary committments?

i think i have many more questions but thank you for considering these four for now

Answer
Hello,

You're in a situation that is happening more and more as the Internet brings people in touch with information and opportunities regarding BDSM. It looks like you've done a lot of learning and thinking, which is key when you're starting out in BDSM. Let's see if I can help you sort through some of the information and questions.

Once you have the chance to experience BDSM in real life, I think you'll understand some of what you're reading about long distance relationships. There's a big difference between an LDR and a real time relationship, but that doesn't mean your relationship is role play or that your feelings aren't valid. In a real life relationship of any type, there's a lot more risk. When you're relating face to face there's more vulnerability and thus risk. When you're only pixels on a screen you're able to reveal only as much as you want, so it's safer. Even so, you can still have very intense feelings from a distance.

Also, you need to be aware of the effect of BDSM on your emotions. When you think about the things that happen to you in a BDSM relationship and the depth of the emotions and sensations you feel, I think you'll understand when I say BDSM is intense. It's easy to mistake that intensity for intimacy. People do it all the time. Just be aware of this and do some reality checking when feelings seem strong.

A few hours together in the morning and evening seems like quite a bit for a LDR. I know couples who are only a few hundred miles away who don't have that much time together. :) Considering that you both have other responsibilities, it might be better to work together on putting the time you have to best use. I know it can seem like the time is just speeding by, because you're very involved in what you're doing. You each might need to remain more conscious of how much time has passed and how you're using the time you do have.

I don't think it's wrong for a submissive to ask for a collar, exactly. In many BDSM relationships, a collar is expected but it's usually up to the dominant to determine when the submissive has earned it. It depends on what the collar means in your particular relationship. If the two of you are good with how this happened, it's not a problem. The collar as a representation of dedication is a very legitimate interpretation of the symbolism.

You show respect for your dominant's primary partner by remembering that she is just that, the one to whom he owes his first obligation. There will probably be times when that's difficult, so you'll have to remind yourself that this is the bargain you made. There shouldn't be much need for you to bring up his partner in conversation. When he does, follow his lead about what to call her and stop talking about her when he has said what he needs to say.

Having a dom or sub and a primary partner, too, isn't uncommon. Lots of people manage this kind of situation quite successfully. I suspect your dominant and his partner have talked about what she needs from him in order to be comfortable with his relationship with you. He, in turn, has explained to you how his responsibilities to her might impact your relationship with him. Once everyone understands, and agrees to, the responsibilities and expectations, having two partners who fulfill different needs isn't as much of a juggling act as it seems.

I hope this helped. It's a pleasure to give advice to someone who is as invested in understanding BDSM as you seem to be. If I can help with other questions, please feel free to send them along.

Mistress Violette