Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/18/2008

Question
I meet this great Guy on the net going to be one year next week. As the day passed we become closer and closer, and after a couple of months i become his ( all on line and phone. He told me that when he thought i was the right time we would meet. I have done everything he told me to the last one year, and i have learned and grown in some ways however i have fallen in love with him, and i a not sure if i should tell him, or maybe i should just leave as this might not go anywhere....what do i do????

Answer
Hello, Claudia,

You're in a not uncommon situation. Let me see if I can give you some perspective that will help you make a good decision.

BDSM can be an intense experience. It's not unusual for people to mistake that intensity for intimacy. So the first thing you'll want to do is examine your feelings. You might be misreading the strong emotions BDSM has aroused in you.

Although people can feel strong and genuine emotions for those with whom they're in a long distance relationship (LDR), please keep in mind that an LDR and a face to face relationship are very different. When a relationship is only cyber and phone, people can put their best foot forward most of the time. Often, it's not intentional that they only show the good. When folks aren't together day and day out there are rarely opportunities for them to see each other not at their best. Love is when you see all facets of someone and realize you love him warts and all. Right now what you love is probably more of an idealized notion of your master rather than the man himself. This is no one's fault, it's just due to the circumstances. As long as the two of you are planning to meet in the future, I strongly suggest you wait until you meet him in person before deciding you love him. That will also give you a better chance to gauge his feelings for you. If he doesn't feel the same, the most loving thing to do might be to say nothing.

Another thing to consider is the basis of your relationship. Some people enter into a BDSM relationship expecting a romantic aspect. Others want no more than affection and some want just a casual friendship. If there was no understanding that there would be a romantic component to the relationship, you might be making it difficult for your master if you tell him you've developed feelings. It's fine to have feelings, just understand that you have no obligation to reveal them and your master has no obligation to reciprocate. Some people might not consider the development of intense feelings to be value added.

It seems like it should be time for the relationship to move to the next level, especially if your master has said he's happy with your behavior over the past year. If you're wondering if this is going to go anywhere, there's nothing wrong with sharing that concern with your master. If he's changed his mind or if there's something preventing the relationship from moving forward, it's only fair you know. Don't think it's somehow not your place. It's reasonable for you to take responsibility for your own well being, which includes having the information you need to make informed decisions.

I hope I've given you some ideas to help your decision. If there's anything more I can do, please feel free to send me another question.

Mistress Violette