Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/16/2008

Question
My Master and I have been together for one and a half years and our relationship if going steady. I am very happy to serve him, and we are now negotiating on a Collar of Training. My problem is that I am doing my Science Master's thesis in Cambridge university, a very conservative and formal academic environment. It is yet the best university for my chosen studies, and being there is a dream come true, and makes my Master very proud.
My Master is also to move to Cambridge soon, to start his Neuroscience PhD, and we want to spend most of our time together to enforce our relationship.
Yet, here I can wear no collar or corset, not even an elegant metal band, in public, I often need to be in formal gown, and we must both put a lot of effort into hiding the nature of our relationship for the sake of our academic careers, and we have to continuously act against our nature.
The East Anglia bdsm society around here is a group of middle aged people with no real sense of D/s relationships, just spicing their married lives up, and my Master and I feel alone and hiding in this environment.
Please help us.

Answer
Hello, Lydia,

I have to admit, I'm not sure what you're asking me to do. I'll address what I think are the issues. If I'm not understanding, please feel free to write again and explain what you're looking for exactly.

It looks like the main problem for you is that you're in an atmosphere that restricts expression of your BDSM. Although the academic environment is more formal than most, it's not unusual for people not to be able to be overtly BDSM in much of their daily lives. While some people like to flaunt their different approach, many in the community prefer not to be obvious. Just as vanilla people are circumspect about public displays of affection, BDSM people usually don't make displays of the kinky side of their lives. It's a courtesy to others. I doubt most of us think of it as hiding or find it restrictive. After all, the relationship and the power exchange is between the two of you, not the two of you and the rest of the world. It exists all the time, it's just not overtly expressed all the time, just as your scientific mindset isn't expressed all the time. You don't consider it acting against your nature that you don't take a microscope to a club. The same is true about not wearing a collar to the lab. Being a scientist, being BDSM, are parts of your life. You weave them into a harmonious whole in which only some parts are active at any given time.

Your collar is a symbol. The power exchange is there whether you're wearing it or not. If it's important to the two of you to have a symbol, find something that's meaningful and fits within the academic arena. That might be earrings, a ring, or a pin. It might be a waist chain or lingerie pins worn under clothes. People like collars because their meaning is easily understood, but they're not a requirement.

I had a submissive who was working on his PhD. at a major university here in the U.S., so I understand about limitations. I like my subs to shave their body hair, for instance, and he couldn't shave the hair on his arms. It would have been noticeable in short sleeves and marked him as odd or different, which could have effected his career. He wasn't able to wear a bracelet, another thing I like slaves to do, for the same reason. The solution was creative compromises. I'm sure you and your dominant can come up with some that will work in your milieu. I'm also sure you'll do as we did and make the most of the time you're out of that milieu.

The other issue seems to be meeting like minded peers. I suspect there are others in your area, it's just a matter of finding them. Are you aware of http://www.informedconsent.co.uk? It lists groups, clubs, and events. If you can't find what you need in those lists, it has a discussion board where you might find some leads. You could even try a personal ad saying you're interested in friends.

I hope this is the information you needed, Lydia. If not, you're welcome to write again.

Mistress Violette