Expert: arani_CsA - 10/4/2008

Question
I recently got out of a six month relationship with a married Dom. His wife does not know about us or our lifestyle. I decided to break off our relationship very abruptly about two months ago becuase I started to feel myself becoming very attached to him not only as my Dom but on a personal level. Since I have done this I've been miserable in every sense of the word. I miss him terribly but am afraid if I try to go back, we will only end up breaking it off in a few month's because he will not be able to reciprocate my adoration or possibly love. What do you feel is the best way to handle this situation?

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.  

I am truly sorry that you are finding yourself in this sticky situation.  However, I'm also sorry to say that this is a problem that many submissives find themselves in.  Many men use the BDSM lifestyle as an excuse for getting some action on the side.  They justify being unfaithful to their wives by telling themselves that it is their right to take as many submissives or slaves as they want.  The problem is that a lot of innocent people get hurt along the way.  

Your feelings of attachment to this man are totally understandable; every submissive or slave who surrenders to a Dominant or Master feels the same way.  It's part of the process that after giving up our all to these men, the only thing that's left is love.  Skilled Dominants have a way of manipulating our hearts so that we don't even know that it's happening.  And submission is not a gift that we give to our Masters, like some people try to tell us, because a gift can be taken back when it is no longer wanted.  

I would be very cautious about entering into a relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, with a man who is married and whose wife does not know the truth about his relationship with you.  Think about how you would feel if you found out that your husband had taken a girlfriend or a submissive without your knowledge or consent.  I imagine that you would feel a great deal of pain.  One of the primary tenets of the BDSM lifestyle is consensuality.  Is she given the choice to consent to this kind of a relationship?  Now, if she knows and agrees, then that's a different story.  But I have known submissives who were called into court as the third party in a divorce trial.  Do you want to risk that?

A Dominant or Master has a lot of responsibility.  He should be concerned, first and foremost, about the safety and welfare of his property.  And that property includes his wife as well as his submissive.  Yes, his pleasure is most important.  But a man who has taken the time and trouble to look for the right submissive, and train her to his liking, should be careful that she not be harmed -- either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

My suggestion is that you have a frank and honest discussion with this man -- not as Dominant and submissive, but as man and woman.  Make it clear to him what your feelings are, with regards to his other relationships, and that you don't want your presence in his life to be a secret from these other women.  Negotiations are a very important part of establishing a D/s relationship, and submissives very definitely have the right to set limits and to enforce those limits.  If he is not willing to respect your limits, he won't respect you as a person.

If this doesn't work, then you need to tell yourself that you deserve a better man than this.  Would you consider dating a man, or having a sexual relationship with him, if you knew he was married?  This really isn't much different.  Get out there and find a Dominant who is worthy of the wonderful gifts you can bring him.

I hope this answer is of help to you.  I wish you much good fortune and pray that you find happiness.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius