Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/30/2008

Question
I guess I would be a newbie...I am a 46 yr old women that has always been
involved in traditional relationships or none at all really for the last 14 yrs. I
met Rob three months ago and we have spent more time together than most
spend in years. In flirting play I brought up that I wanted a man that was
strong enough in character to "OWN ME" and we clicked from that point on to
the relationship we are now developing. He is my dream man! He told me he
is into the Master/sub relationship and so far it is thrilling I am serious in my
feelings towards him and feel he is my soul mate. We are not youngsters and
have both been burnt before in marraige.
My Q is that I am new to this...I have always been at least for the last 14
years or so independant.
I love the Master/sub relationship we are getting into but we are both new
to it. we are having alot of fun! I am a very sassy sub and he seems to love
it ....I still get punished but it is enjoyable. We get along very well and
seem to read each others minds. He corrects me when I am wrong and
gets me back on path. I couldnt ask for a better Master.
Now he is testing me in fun...questions like ...you have three seconds to
answer...Nipple peircing, clit piercing or me.....he has done things to wow me
What if I dont want to do any of them? Do I still have to?
I dont want to do wrong but dont want to abuse my body
Also, I have confessed my love for him and he says all comes
in time Baby...I dont want to be a toy...Are subs dropped
regularly?

Answer
Hello, Jennifer,

Props to you for knowing you need to look for information and answers. Let me see if I can give you some of both or at least give you something to think about to reach your own conclusion.

I want to start with a word that sometimes causes confusion, especially to newcomers, and that's "punishment." Punishment isn't fun. It can't be or it wouldn't do any good. A dominant usually punishes as a last resort, to correct misbehavior. I think what you're enjoying is the BDSM play. That's exactly what you want, so you're on the right track. It sounds like there's playfulness in your interactions. I think that's wonderful. Some people think they have to be all serious and solemn with BDSM. I think it needs to be fun and encourage a natural expression of the partners' personalities.

If you think something is unsafe, dangerous or damaging you certainly don't have to do it. It doesn't matter if your dominant doesn't agree. Being a submissive doesn't mean you can be forced into doing something that isn't good for you. On the other hand, there will be things you don't want to do for other reasons. For those your dominant might opt to push you a little in order to encourage you to grow. Since neither of you can read minds, you have to communicate which is which and negotiate what will and won't happen in play.

Before you go too much further it would be a good idea to have a talk about likes, dislikes, and hot buttons, hard and soft limits. What are things you might do to please your dominant, but not otherwise? These are soft limits. What would you never be able to do, things that could be damaging to you emotionally or physically or both? These are hard limits. What are things that might trigger a problem or severe negative reaction for you? These are hot buttons. A dominant will push soft limits, safely, but not hard limits. S/he would want to be alert to hot buttons to avoid pushing them or to fix things if one is pushed accidentally.

In terms of the emotional component of the the relationship, from the way he worded his response, it looks like your dominant wants to keep some emotional distance between the two of you. That could simply be because he's still feeling his way with BDSM. It also could be he's not interested in pursuing a committed relationship right now or that he's not interested in pursuing one with you. This is more a function of the relationship between the two of you than BDSM. You're going to have to look at all the other cues he's giving you to decide whether he considers you as potential partner material or just someone he'll be with for now.

I hope things work out well for you, Jennifer. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette