Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/2/2008

Question
Hello,
I have been chatting on line for a few months now and have had a few personal interactions with someone that is a Dom.  We have been playing and he has introduced me to some aspects of BDSM and from him and some other chat friends I have learned that I am or believe I am a natural Sub.

I have also been chatting/flirting with a few others on the site (openly) and all oif the ones I have been interested seem to be Doms or at least the Dominate type.  During on of my email interactions with one Dom who does know my play friend I was also chatting with my firend who started talking about becoming my teacher even though he knows I was not wanting a (relationship) and because of our experainces together I found this pleasing.  Okay so he gave me some limits for playing with others right then and there and it was said vanilla play is okay but training and BDSM is only for him.  I was told that the other Dom was okay and that he had free reign to play with me, so i continued my chatting with the other Dom.  During this time I did tell him that i had just found a teacher.

He asked who and said he would like to speak to him as to tell him how my training was going and that i have be giving undue familiarity to him.  I am unsure what I did as I am new and am wanting to know a bit more about the Dom/sub relationship and my ettiqute needed when talking to other Doms.  I have told my Teacher about this and he said I did over step things but we were going to talk about it all and figure out if it is right for both of us.  
If you could give me some more insight to any of this i would greatly appriciate it as I would like to make an imformed decision and would like to know how to speake to other Doms with out offending them if I chose to be on my own.  

Thank you for any help you can provide.

Answer
Hi, Kristin,

I'm happy to help someone who wants to make an informed decision. Just please understand that this comes from my own perspective and experience. Others may have a different take.

First, not all BDSM activity is created equal. There are those who enjoy the play - the bondage, the spanking, the serving and so on. It's part of their sexual enjoyment and ends there. There are others for whom the reward is the power difference within the relationship. Play for them is very enjoyable but it's the power exchange that counts. The first group is interested in kinky sex, the other is interested in BDSM. Neither group is better than the other but each is better for some people. So my first suggestion is to determine which you are and what you want from BDSM play. At the end of this message I'll add some sites for additional information. I hope you'll enjoy learning about the variations in BDSM interactions.

The online environment lends itself well to kinky sex. Because the play is for fun and erotic excitement there's a lot of individual variation. Not everybody acts or reacts the same way, so people are free to make things up as they go along. That's why the etiquette will be different in different groups. My sense is that's the sort of group with which you've been interacting. If so, your best bet is to find a neutral party, preferably another female sub who's been around a while, to tell you what sort of behavior is expected and acceptable.

If you find you prefer power exchange, I always recommend looking for a group that meets offline as well as online. That way you can be sure you're chatting with people who play in real life. In real life you'll find the etiquette is just like it is in, well, real life. People will talk and get to know each other as equals before negotiating and entering a BDSM relationship. Some communities are more structured but, by and large, people who incorporate BDSM into their lives are quite practical about it.

If you're genuinely interested in learning, I recommend you talk to everyone, dom and sub, male and female. You get a better perspective if you're exposed to different points of view. Also, because that's the picture the media often paints, people often start with the assumption that a woman interested in BDSM wants to submit. Test that theory before adopting it. You may be surprised.

You have an interesting and, I hope, rewarding journey ahead of you, Kristin. Good luck and have fun.

Mistress Violette

These are sites with down to earth BDSM information. They offer more than one perspective on power exchange relationships:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/