Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/25/2008

Question
Greetings, Ma'am.
I am somewhat new to the BDSM community, and in the recent past couple of years, I have found a kindred soul, whom I am convinced without a doubt is my soulmate. He has been attempting to help me decide if I am a Domme or a sub. I am somewhat confused myself, as there are times that I feel submissive, and yet other times I want nothing more than to be called, "Mistress", and seeing the look in his eyes. He has accepted the title of my sub gladly, for he believes that is his role. However, events in our past have made it...difficult to accept our natural roles, as I was "encouraged" very forcefully to play a sub. He, after some unpleasant circumstances, forced himself to become a Dom, "breaking" (or "training") pets and likewise for others over the years. He falls quiet naturally into the role of a pet, by the way. I suppose my question is, do you have any suggestions as to how we can decide?
P.s
I do not know if this is relevant, and I apologize for the length of this email. We sometimes do RP, although we do incorporate the aspects of BDSM lifestyle into our lives, 24/7. Sometimes, I ask him to be my Dom, for I do not feel comfortable in the role of Mistress. He does so willingly, although at times, he attempts to take over the role of Dom, at which time I punish him accordingly. And as an afterthought, since I live in such a small community, are there any forums or such that I may attempt to find others who are into the lifestyle in my area?
Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hello, Nocte,

Sometimes labels are helpful. They can be a short hand that lets other people know something about us quickly. Most of the time, though, who we are is so complex it's going to require some explanation regardless. That's especially true in BDSM, where the meaning of some terms varies by community. So it's ok not to shoehorn yourself into some box because it makes other people feel better. BDSM people come in all flavors and combinations of flavors.

You used the word "switch" in your subject and perhaps that's exactly what you are. Lots of people in BDSM are switches, sometimes expressing a dominant side, sometimes a submissive one. People switch because they have different desires at different times, because it enhances their relationships or for many other reasons. It doesn't mean switches are confused about their orientation, they simply enjoy a broader range of sensation and experience than some others.

There are also people who are primarily submissive or dominant but enjoy some parts of the other orientation. So, a dominant person might be a dominant masochist and enjoy pain play, but not other areas of submission. There are submissive people who enjoy providing pain but not giving orders or other dominant actions. They might be called submissive sadists.

There's no official BDSM lexicon. The important thing is to be aware of what works for you and then call it something you think conveys who you are. It doesn't matter if you have to explain sometimes. It's better to define yourself than to let others do it for you.

If your submissive is attempting to take over the dom role when you haven't asked or told him to, he's out of order. You're right not to allow that behavior. Although, I would try to find out what's prompting it, if possible. Sometimes it's more productive to correct a misunderstanding than a behavior.

I think finding a group is a great idea. Do a search for "BDSM support groups" to find the ones nearest you. This will turn up pages for groups as well as sites with lists of groups.

This was a great question, Nocte. I hope I've given you some ideas you can use. Good luck!

Mistress Violette