Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/4/2008

Question
I have been sexually submissive my whole life - am 42 now.
I discovered the bdsm world about 7 years ago - thanks to the internet. My question is this - in normal vanilla dating a woman is advised to hold off from sex if she wants a commitment from a man. My experience tells me this is true. How do you apply this rule to BDSM dating - when you meet a likely Dom the tendency is to end up playing sooner or later which tends to lead to all things sexual. How do you explore the D/s side of the relationship without giving away the farm - note it is hard to be submissive and refuse to obey at the same time.
Or do different rules apply dating in the BDSM world?

Answer
Hello, Karen,

With any type of relationship, the dating part gives us a chance to assess compatibility. That's especially important with BDSM, because you'll be doing some things that could result in harm if you don't select wisely. BDSM can be very intense and people sometimes mistake the intensity for intimacy. Adding sex to that increases your chances of making that mistake. I think it's wise to go slow with adding sex to the mix, so as not to compromise your judgment. It's a practical matter rather than a dating rule.

Your own comfort should be the criteria. Even though your interest is called sexual submission, there's no requirement that play lead to sex. Think of people who play in clubs or at dungeon parties or people who play with those who aren't their primary partners. It's possible to have fun and satisfying BDSM without sex.
 
There are a number of BDSM things you can do that aren't overtly sexual, restrictions on activities, say, or obeying commands in every day situations. Many people start with those. It's a good way to get a feel for the other person's style as well as to judge compatibility. You might consider keeping it at this level until you're ready to go further. Don't give in to pressure to move faster, and that includes pressure you put on yourself. BDSM is sexually exciting and sometimes both partners need to exercise restraint.

Of course, you wouldn't play with someone without discussion about limits, including sexual ones. That eliminates the dilemma of being submissive and refusing to obey. If a dominant initiates something that you've both agreed was a limit, it's not just your right to refuse, it can be your obligation. Although we like to think we're infallible, dominants make mistakes. No one has to submit to something to which s/he doesn't agree.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best on your journey, Karen.

Mistress Violette