Expert: arani_CsA - 11/3/2008

Question
Hello,
First I'd like to say thanks for taking the time to read my long & lengthy question and try help me with my issue.

I am happily, most of the time, married for the last 6 years but been together for 15 years. We have 3 kids together and I have one from before, total of 4. My husband works hard to support his family and I am a stay at home mom at least for the last 5 years. I love my husband, but have had my share of affairs that he does not know about. On the flip side of that we are swingers and have had encounters with other swinging couples....as couples but my husband has yet to actually have sex with any of the wives where as I have with the husbands. (I sometimes feel guilty for having got mine and he has not but do realize it was his choice not to) He has thrown it in my face that I got to and he did not when I expressed that I was not 100% interested in swinging anymore making me feel even more guilty. My husband has a tendency to be on the selfish side of things, if it doesn't benefit him, if its not convienient for him, or he just doesn't want to then he doesn't. (can be from something small to large)

Since I am a stay at home mom I have quite a bit of free time and spend alot of it online which is where the conflict comes in to play. I recently got involved in the D/s lifestyle, due to curiousity. (my husband knows nothing about).  Well my curiousity has been peaked and I am currently owned.and loving it but I am unsure whether I should tell my husband or keep it to myself? (right now its only an online thing but has the potential for RL in the future) I'm sure that my husband would not feel to positive about this AT ALL and my master is a black man (he is very much against interracial relationships), but I am certain that I would not be able to do this with him as we don't do any sort of role playing at all when it comes to sex. Maybe I'm just not being open minded enough with him but after 15 years with someone you kind of know things about them that others would not.

Any help that you could give me either way would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

I have been involved in three different on-line M/s relationships, before I met my current Master.  I have to confess that it bothers me when people say that these relationships are not "real life," because they ARE very real to those who are in them.  The only real differences are in how and where the services are rendered.  The emotional attachments and the motivations for participating in the relationships is exactly the same.  

Role-playing, in the D/s or M/s world, is not the same as role-playing in (for example) the Star Trek or D&D world.  When I was active in the role-playing chat rooms, I did present my physical appearance as differently than what it really is, but I considered myself the property of my Master even when the computer was turned off.  I presented myself in this manner to please my Master, because he commanded it of me.  This is very different from someone who pretends to be a starship captain while at the keyboard, and who goes back to being a janitor or a real-estate agent once the computer is turned off.  I was a slave regardless of where I was sitting or what I was doing with my hands.  Yes, there are people who think of the D/s or M/s world as a game.  They usually end up hurting people, and are not well-regarded among those who are serious about the lifestyle.

The D/s and M/s lifestyles are also very different from swinging.  People who are involved in BDSM, even if it only involves a little kinky play in the bedroom, are usually in committed relationships or looking for such.  My Master might require me to service another man sexually, but his pleasure would come from watching me do this or from knowing that he has so much authority over me that he can command me in this way.  He would not be having relations with the wife or the slave of the man I was serving.  And my pleasure would come, not from the actual act of having sex with a man who was not my husband, but in knowing that by doing so I was being a good obedient slave to my husband.

There are also many who feel that it is possible for those involved in the D/s or M/s lifestyles to commit adultery.  I am one of those.  I am a devout Christian, as is my husband, however my views of marriage are a bit different from the mainstream.  When my Master and I were married, we intentionally omitted the part of the vows that stated that we would be monogamous.  So when Master uses another slave, or I service another Master at his command, we are not being unfaithful to each other.  Now, if I was to sleep with another man, in or outside of the lifestyle, without my Master's knowledge, then I would be disobedient to him and to my vows of marriage.

My personal opinion is that you should tell your husband what you are doing on line.  Be very open about why you are doing this, not because it is fun and sexually exciting (even though it may be), but because you feel drawn to this lifestyle because it gives you something you have craved for a very long time.  Discuss this with your husband, as you both explore some informational sites about the lifestyle.  Ask your husband if he can see himself becoming a part of this, possibly as your Master.  If he cannot, ask his permission for you to form relationships outside of your marriage.  If he cannot find it in himself to do this, unfortunately you may need to choose between your Master and your husband.

There is something else that you should consider.  By committing yourself to a man as your Master, you are giving him the right to command you in anything.  Anything, without exceptions.  If this is a D/s relationship, with you as submissive to a Dominant, then you can dictate limits and have safewords.  But a slave is not entitled to any of these things.  What happens when your Master commands you to quit your job, leave your husband and children, and travel to be with him?  Or what if he commands you to tell him your address, and he shows up at your doorstep?  What if he sells you to another man?  All of these things are very possible, and have happened to people I know.

Here are some good informational sites for you to go through with your husband, if you are not already aware of them:
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.rlslavery.com/
http://mjandsm.livejournal.com/
http://www.takeninhand.com/

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius