Expert: arani_CsA - 11/14/2008

Question
Hi. I very recently (3 days ago) had my first D/s experience with a very
friendly and professional Dom. He knew that it was my first experience and
was very cautious and kind-setting up boundaries and safe guards. It was an
amazing experience and I am very much looking forward to having more. But
I have some basic questions about the D/s lifestyle. I guess one of my main
concerns is sex. We did not have sex, but I assume that we will at some point.
I do not know how many other subs he has or if it is even common to have
multiple subs. I just don't want to put myself in a situation that could
potentially be harmful. Also, how do D/s relationships normally start? As far
as I can tell, I am just being a sub whenever right now-I am experimenting
with my likes, dislikes, etc. I don't think I would want to be in a relationship
with someone who I was always submissive to though. I like the experience
though. I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of what a "normal" D/s
relationship/partnership/experience is like.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM.  It sounds like you had a good first experience, and are in a prime position to see some truly wonderful transformations take place in your life.  I have to say that my own life is so much more full and rewarding since I have discovered my slavery.

One thing you should understand is that there is no such thing as "normal" D/s relationship.  By that, I don't mean that there's anything wrong, or abnormal, about it.  Rather, there are a great many different variations on the lifestyle.  It's basically what you and your partner choose to make it.  There are a few constants, however, and I'll try to lay some of them out for you here, briefly.

The BDSM lifestyle encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship types, ranging from those who simply enjoy a little kinky sex in the bedroom, to couples who are involved in a full-blown Master/slave relationship like my husband and I.  And so many different flavors in between.  There are those who like various forms of S/m play, and others are more interested in a service-oriented relationship.

Not every D/s relationship has to involve sex, or even have to last longer than a single evening.  There are people who enjoy attending a play party or dungeon for an evening's play, either hooking up with a partner beforehand or even after they get to the party.  Think of it in terms of casual dating.  You might go to a party with a date, or meet someone at the party that you spend the evening with, and never go out with that person again.  And still thoroughly enjoy yourself.  Or, you might decide you like that person and want to spend more time with him, and a relationship develops over time as a result of that first initial meeting at a party.

When you do play with a Dominant, you most definitely want to set up some very rigid parameters, beforehand, of what the encounter is going to consist of.  This kind of negotiation is absolutely essential, whether you know the Dominant extremely well or have just met him.  Specify what kinds of play or service you enjoy and will gladly participate in, and what you will not do.  Set up a safe-word, for use if play gets a little too rough.  And be sure that you trust this man with your life, because he quite literally has control of that life and can do with it what he wants.  When you're bound and gagged, you have to trust that he's going to honor those limits and that safe-word.

Regarding multiple submissives, some Dominants do enjoy owning and/or using more than one sub.  But many do not.  Training and maintaining a submissive is a lot of work, and some Dominants don't want to go to that trouble.  Or they simply prefer a monogamous relationship.  If your Dominant is one of those who enjoys having more than one sub, think of it as similar to someone who has more than one child and yet loves each child equally.  Often, in a household with more than one slave or submissive (not the same thing, by the way), each will typically serve a different role.  One may go out and work, thereby contributing to the monetary welfare of the household.  Another may be responsible for the day-to-day running of that household, cleaning and cooking.  Yet another may allow the Dominant to indulge his taste for a particular kind of S/m activity that his other subs aren't interested in.  And so on.  My own Master and I have discussed the possibility of bringing in another slave to serve as a surrogate mother for the child I am unable to carry -- or care for -- myself.  Again, these are all things that the Dominant and submissive(s) will have to work out at the beginning of their relationship.  

As to how D/s relationships normally start, there is no one "norm" here either.  Relationships in the BDSM world start the same way that relationships in the "vanilla" world do.  You meet someone who interests you, in any variety of ways, and then spend time with that person getting to know him better.  You might date, or just spend time talking about yourselves.  If the two of you feel an attraction to each other, and a connection, then you will discuss deepening that relationship and even formalizing it in some way.  There are places, on line and off, where you can meet others who are also interested in the BDSM lifestyle, and where your lifestyle will be kept private if you wish.

Don't ever cut yourself short by saying you're "just a sub."  I know of many wonderful people -- male and female -- who embrace their submissiveness and are highly regarded in the community.  There are few who can feel comfortable in a lifestyle of total slavery, such as myself.  What's more important is that you know, in yourself, what you want and need, and how to go out there and get it.  

Here are some good places to begin your education in the lifestyle:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

I would also encourage you to find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Typically, these groups will have some sort of on-line message board where they can chat and arrange for get-togethers.  They will usually also have regular meetings called "munches," where they all go to a local restaurant and just enjoy spending time together in a neutral setting.  When you get to know people better, you may find yourself invited to someone's home or a dungeon for other kinds of interaction -- that may or may not actually involve direct participation in S/m activities.  Here you can meet others who share your interests (Dominants and other submissives), watch how they interact with other people, and learn from them as well as from those who are in existing relationships.

Good luck to you in your exploration of yourself.  If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius