Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/9/2008

Question
Hello,                                                 I am fairly new at Dominating, but I have recently found a sub who wants to be owned by me. he has been a sub most of his life and is requesting to sign a slave contract. I know that I am into games and endurance training and I would like to know if you had any advice as to what type of techniques I could use for a sub that is extremely used to the sub lifestyle. Any information would be extremely helpful, thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi, Michah,

You're at a wonderful stage in your journey because the potential is for it to just get better. I hope I can help steer you in the right direction.

I have to think you've been honest with your prospective sub and he knows you're not experienced. If he's experienced and been active in the larger BDSM community, he won't be expecting you to know everything right from the start. His interest in you should be in your desire for power exchange, not the activities you use to manifest that. I hope you'll ask him to share ideas from his experience. Many times a submissive can be an excellent source of information for a dominant. It's not that you're asking him what to do or asking how you can please him. You're collecting information; whether you decide to act on it is your choice.

It's not possible for me to give you advice about techniques. We all have different styles and interests so there's just too much to cover in a response like this. Instead, let me suggest some books and sites that are favorites of mine. Since there's no one right way to do BDSM, it's helpful to get several perspectives on style and philosophy. These will give you ideas from various people and among them will be some you'll like and want to incorporate into your own style and philosophy of BDSM.

I think there are three books you'll find helpful. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

Here sites are good for information and even some play suggestions:
http://www.akashaweb.com/
http://gloria-brame.com/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

I'm not including general information sites, because you seem to have an idea of what you want to do. If you find yourself needing more, though, http://sexuality.org/ and http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/ are very helpful.

I hope this helps you on your way. Good luck and enjoy an exciting and fulfilling journey.

Mistress Violette