Expert: arani_CsA - 11/20/2008

Question
Hello Arani,
How can I find a Master?  I live in the San Diego, CA area and am looking for someone safe to submit my life to and to be trained.  I'm a newbie, so am not sure how to safely network at this point.
Thx, Diane

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find what you are looking for.

Finding the right Master for you is indeed a very difficult task, but when you do find that right person it is truly a wonderful thing.  Part of that task involves learning more about yourself, and about the lifestyle, so that you can fully understand all of the possibilities out there and how you fit into the grand scheme of things.  Self-knowledge equals self-protection, especially in our lifestyle.

If you have not already done so, I would encourage you to read everything you can about the lifestyle.  Some good places to start are:
http://www.castlelrealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

You may be attracted by some of the lifestyle networking sites such as collarme.com to find a good Master.  Even though I met my own Master through an on-line message board, I would encourage you as a newcomer to the lifestyle to steer away from these sites.  It is very easy for a person to present themselves as something that they're not, and I have known people to get hurt badly (both physically as well as emotionally) in this way.  A better way to meet people in the lifestyle is to get involved with a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  These groups will typically have an on-line forum where they can chat and announce meetings and such.  But they will also have regular get-togethers called "munches" where they meet at a local restaurant for strictly social (and relatively neutral) diversions.  They will also have more lifestyle-related activities, either at a member's home or at a local dungeon.  Here you can meet others in the lifestyle (both subs and Dominants), learn from them, and see how they interact with each other.  You can get to know a prospective Dominant by talking to him, by watching him with other subs, and by speaking to other subs who know him (and perhaps who have served him).  You can watch the various play activities, and help determine which you might be interested in and which you want to avoid.  

I would strongly discourage you from meeting with any prospective Dominant privately until you spend a great deal of time getting to know him.  You wouldn't jump into a relationship with a stranger you met in a bar, or on the street, and in the same way you wouldn't want to get into a relationship with a man who quite literally will hold your life in his hands, without knowing whether you can trust him with that life.

One very important thing to remember in this lifestyle is that you DO have the right to consent to any kind of treatment.  If you don't want to do it, or it doesn't feel right, you DO have the right to say no.  (At least, now, before you take a collar.)  If you feel uncomfortable with someone, or with something they want you to do, don't let them force you to do it just because you're a submissive.  Submissive doesn't mean doormat.  And you are allowed to have limits and safe-words.

Good luck to you, and welcome to a truly wonderful lifestyle.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius