Expert: Oscar G. - 11/25/2008

Question
Hi!

I ask this question for a very good friend of mine who is having problems in the relationship with her husband.
They have been married for a very long time (40 years) and they love each other very much. He is submissive though, and she does not feel dominant and doesn't like to play dominant one bit. A couple of years ago though, she agreed to experiment with him on this and this made him so happy that she feels there is no turning back because it would grieve him too much. This 'playing dominant' causes her tremendous energy and often makes her unhappy. Do you perhaps know of an anonymous way for her to ask advise and to share her emotions with people who are struggling with similar problems, like a forum? I found this (allexperts) which is very nice indeed, but it might also be good for her to read what others who have the same problems have to say about this or perhaps you know of something else that can help her. To go into professional counselling will not be an option for them; he wouldn't want it and I don't think she would want to talk about it with someone who isn't into SM. In the normal everyday relationship my friend's husband is much more dominant than my friend is, which makes it even more difficult to play a dominant role for her! Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you can help me and her!

Best regards,

Eve.


Answer
Hello Eve:

It is indeed a complex topic and situation on both counts. I would suggest perhaps read more on the topics, there has to be some activities that call her attention more than others. Or perhaps other activities that perhaps do not go against her sensibilities. Perhaps it is an issue of fear of the unknown, or not knowing what to do for scene or a partner.

The possible solution is two fold. One perhaps finding a chat forum or group online. I would recommend Alt.com since for chat it is free and they would not be looking for partners, but info. I know the site is more like dating and hooking up. But many big city chat room have plethora of info and good people to talk  real time, even if not  face to face. That way she could talk and length and talk to other female Dommes (some whom used to be submissive before also). I would not be sure about finding other  wives who are reluctant Dommes, but then i prefer to be positive and find out what works, as opposed to  insist what it doesn't work.

Also there is great literature out there of why men in power  CHOSE to give it up to their partners. Usually it is counter balance and exchange power and de-stressing. Maybe if she read more about it she could see why he likes it and realize it is not that selfish of a thing to ask. And also the aspect of  enjoying having the driver seat  for short spell in the bedroom. I bet there could be some fantasies she would want to try.  If that does not seem to go anywhere, there are what you call  Kink aware professionals. People who do everyday services but also are into BDSM. Usually many are Health practitioners and psychologists. Depends on your city, you may find a few, or able to contact them an get professional advice.

But also the other part of the solution if both of them  talking and getting down to the nitty gritty or what  they want and why. Negotiate, explore fantasies, make compromises and see what could be arranged. Books and new friends on line could help to shed light on unknowns and dispel fears of misconception of taboo topics. But for the most part it is all clean fun as long as talked before hand.Also SHE has to be able to get something out of it. Something that she can enjoy and get a kick out of. Trick is finding what.
But That is why talking to Dommes would be fun exploration perhaps.
Maybe she wants her feet massaged and pampered before in exchanged for some spanking or other activities. And as a disclaimer, it is not always about pain, humiliation, or disgusting stuff. IT is about sensations, control, power, exchange and exploration of new feelings and sensations.

It can be tiring, but also the areas to explore can be rewarding. But as i said, requires  talking to each other and other people who have been there before. Either to fix it themselves or in extreme case find a surrogate. In any case those things require time, patience and talking. But constructively to a goal.

I hope this helps.
Be well and best wishes to them.

Oscar G.