Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/3/2008

Question
I am a 51 yo swf who is brand new to the D/s lifestyle.  I am a feminist who identifies as a sub.  My questions: After researching a bit, I have concludede that finding a compatible  "Mentor" is a solution that will fit both my personality and my needs.  But, how do I go about finding Him?  How do I know He is the right one?  What should I be aware of - both good and bad?  Should I proceed - slowly - with more than one Mentor at a time?  Any information you could provide would be greatly appreciated as I wish this experience to be rewarding.  Btw, in case it matters, I have never been abused (I am not at all interested in being beaten or bullied into submission), and I have a very strong/aggressive personality (is this likely to cause me problems?)  Many thanks.

Answer
Hello, Jennifer,

I'm going to answer your question, but probably not in the way you're expecting. I'm not a big supporter of doms mentoring subs. As far as teaching goes, to me the broader the experience the better. There's no one right way to do BDSM, so all any one person can teach you is his or her own style and philosophy. That could turn out to be very different from what's right for you. To me, it makes sense to learn from a number of people, in all combinations of sex and orientation. That way you see the variety of BDSM and can pick the elements that suit you. Also, it's possible a mentoring relationship will develop naturally if you don't limit your choices about the sex and orientation of that person.

The idea that a submissive "needs" a mentor to guide her through the treacherous waters of BDSM seems a bit overly dramatic. For all the talk of dungeons and darkness, most real life BDSM people are very usual people, just like you. They'll treat you the way you'd expect to be treated by your friends and colleagues because submissive to one is not submissive to all. You really don't need someone to run interference for you because you're a submissive woman. It's interesting that we don't see a lot of advice to submissive men telling them to find a dominant mentor and protector.

The questions you asked about finding a mentor would apply to finding a dominant partner. Either way, you'd go about it the same way you select vanilla friends and partners. You look for someone you like, with whom you're comfortable and have other interests in common, who treats you with respect, and is also a responsible, competent practitioner of BDSM. When people are first exploring BDSM we sometimes see BDSM people as profoundly different from vanilla people. That's not the case, though. We're just like everyone else, except that we like an overt, negotiated power exchange in our relationships. In other words, don't buy into the PR too much. :)

A strong, aggressive personality will probably turn out to be a plus. While some dominants like doormat submissives, most prefer those who are their own people and most understand that it takes strength to submit. How much input from you is acceptable is something you'll negotiate with your dominant. And, if you can't reach a decision you both can live with, he's probably not the dominant for you.

Just as an aside, there's nothing that equates being submissive or masochistic with a personal history of abuse. Beating or bullying someone into submission is abuse, not BDSM. The point of power exchange is for a healthy, independent person to make the informed decision to hand over his or her power to a trusted, capable dominant.

I think your best bet is to find a local group. If you live in or near a good sized city there will likely be one or more active groups. If not, many groups have web sites where you can join in discussions and get to know people before traveling to a social event to meet in person. To find them, do a search for BDSM support groups in your area.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette