Expert: arani_CsA - 11/24/2008

Question
Hi there,
as you can guess from the subject I'm knew to this and so is my partner. She mentioned it as something that she would like to try and if we both enjoyed it would like to continue further into it.
What my question/s is(and hopefully I'm not the only one here)
1.What is a D/S 24/7 relationship like and what does it really mean?
2.How to be a submissive
Any help will be highly appreciated
Thanks allot

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, welcome to the wonderful lifestyle called BDSM.  I have found such an intense fulfillment, and a purpose for my life, since I stumbled into a chat room many years ago.  You might be reassured to know that many people enter the lifestyle as you did, through experimentation with something they have heard about, leading to a desire for more.

As to what a 24/7 D/s relationship is like, that's a complex answer.  It's basically whatever you and your partner make it.  There are no hard and fast rules that you MUST do this, or cannot do that.  The lifestyle encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship types, ranging from those who simply enjoy a little kinky sex in the privacy of the bedroom, to those who crave a full-blown Master/slave relationship like my husband and I have, and many different varieties in between.  There are both male and female Dominants, just as there are both male and female submissives, and both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.  There are some who like having more than one sexual partner in the household.

Now for your question on how to be a submissive.  I believe that submissiveness is a personality trait that one is either born with or not.  You can't suddenly decide, "I'm going to be a submissive."  But, it is entirely possible for a person to go through many years of their life without realizing that they are submissive; often there is an event or a person that brings out what has been long hidden.  And those who experience such a revelation talk about almost a spiritual transformation that takes place; they suddenly find an inner contentment that is truly wonderful to behold.  There are many good resources that will advise you on how to be a good submissive, and how to act on those submissive urges in a way that is constructive for you and your Dominant.  

Now, I should say that a submissive is not a doormat.  S/he is certainly capable of living independently and even running a business successfully.  It's not at all unusual to find the CEO of a large corporation who comes home to take off that burden of being in control, and assumes the role of having their actions dictated by another.  A lifestyle submissive will find great pleasure in making one special person happy, and in obeying that person's commands.  But most submissives will also have limits, or things that they just cannot do, no matter what.  Sometimes this could involve particular S/m play practices, or forms of service that s/he is simply physically or psychologically unable to do.  A submissive is also usually allowed a "safe word," or some method of signalling to the Dominant when the play is getting too rough.  There are some submissives who don't enjoy S/m play at all, and are strictly service-oriented.  All couples considering entering into a D/s relationship should go through careful negotiations, where each one stipulates what s/he is looking for and expects, and what s/he will not tolerate.  (I should also tell you that one of the Dominant's responsibilities is to attempt to push the submissive beyond her limits.)

I strongly suggest that you and your partner spend some time researching the lifestyle, together, and discussing what parts of it do and don't appeal to you.  Here are some good places to start:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

I also suggest that the two of you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here you can meet others who share your interests, and are perhaps more experienced in acting on their desires and can advise you more fully.  You will meet people who are in relationships, and those who are not.  Typically, these groups will have an on-line forum for members to chat with each other and set up events.  They will also have "munches," where they meet at a local restaurant for socialization in a relatively neutral setting.  When you get to know the members better, you may find yourself invited to someone's home for more lifestyle-oriented conversation and perhaps some play time.  And they will respect your privacy if you respect theirs.

Good luck to you and your partner.  I hope you find just what you are looking for to enrich your relationship and your feelings for each other.  If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius