Expert: arani_CsA - 11/25/2008

Question
Hi arani_CsA! And hi to A/anyone else that drops in to see the question!

I'm sure you can help me out with the overall question, seeing some of your previous answers, but I'm throwing in apologies about rambling at some points, but I'm trying to throw in a bit of background for my question.

Put bluntly, I've been attracted to the BDSM lifestyle pretty much my entire life as a sub with maybe a smudge bit of slave-ish qualities, but I have pretty much zero knowledge in it besides a little bit of what being sub entails and have a good general knowledge of what being slave is.

A little over two months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up, He would have been my Dom when I got to move in with Him. Since He's one of the impatient sorts, He pretty much gave up on me and went to an ex-girlfriend and Collared her instead... But I'll stop there, I don't need to bring in jealousies. But He's about the one I could trust about being sub/slightly slave-ish to.

I was poking around some questions, looking through for curiosity and knowledge's sake and realized I wasn't sure if I was ready for a D/s type of relationship... but I've been wanting to be Pet to a doting ("friendly" at least) Master for most of my life. I mean... really there's not much more I'd love to be other than a pet, plaything, toy, whatever in someone else's hands; wanting to be Collared and owned by someone, but... Like I said, looking over a few other questions makes it really intimidating without someone to at least lay a LITTLE claim to me for some protection.

I know that I should know what I want in a Dom/me and boyfriend/girlfriend, and I have a basic halfway clue as I love all the bits of personality from two exes, and those qualities aren't always the easiest to find... *Shakes head.* Sorry, ramble. But anyway.

I'm planning on moving to Canada eventually next year, London/Windsor, Ontario area. I know you're in the US, but I've only managed to find, I think, three or four sites... Two being www.darkangellair.com and www.get-teased.ca. I know that the second one is about gathering together, but those are the only two I can remember right now. One of the other sites (unless it was Angel's) that included a munch place every so often, but I don't know if it's still on-going or not. And I'm not one of the most brave people to poke my head in the door... (*Squeaks at thought of twenty heads turning toward her.*)

I guess the overall question is pretty much... I'm a fledgling sub that's been tossed away and has no idea what to do now. HALP ME o.o;;

^_^;; Thanks, arani_CsA. And A/anyone else that contributes to the question.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find what you are looking for.

It's quite understandable that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous right now.  This is a serious step you're about to take, and it should be done only after a lot of thought and learning about what you'll be getting into.  That said, a D/s or M/s relationship (when it works) can be truly wonderful and exquisite for all parties involved.

One of the great things about the BDSM lifestyle is that there are so many different types of relationships that are possible, and you and your prospective partner basically get to construct the kind of relationship that works for you.  The people who are drawn to this lifestyle might just want a little kinky play in the bedroom, they might want a good flogging now and then but have no interest in service, or they may want a service-oriented relationship that doesn't involve any S/m play at all.  Some are in it purely for physical pleasure, others for spiritual fulfillment.  And so on.

The process of finding the right Dominant for you is one that SHOULD take some time.  You and he need to have lengthy discussions about what both of you want from the relationship, and are willing and able to bring to it.  This man will quite literally have your life in his hands, so you need to be sure you can trust him not to cause you undue harm.  And he needs to have the same kind of trust in you.  It's helpful, but not necessary, to see him in action either with other submissives or in meaningful conversation with other Dominants.  And it also helps to find out what others in the lifestyle think of him.

The best way to do this is through a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state and by province, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  I found several listed for Ontario; I didn't check to see if the links were still active.)  About the only way you can find out if the group is to your liking is to check it out.  Most groups will have an on-line discussion forum, that will allow you to get to know the members a bit.  I would definitely recommend going to a munch or two before going to any other events; these are held at local restaurants and are pretty neutral in their discussion because of the "vanilla" folk who are within ear-shot.  Any meetings with prospective Dominants should most definitely take place in a public location, with no sex or other play until you feel totally comfortable with him.

I'm going to throw you some good websites for learning about the lifestyle, on the off chance you haven't seen them yet.  (Even if you have, they are worth spending some time perusing and re-reading.)
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

There are also some good on-line forums for submissives and slaves, where they can discuss related topics without having Dominants present.  A good search of Yahoo or LiveJournal, or similar sites, will give you some ideas of possible groups.  Again, check a few out and see which one(s) click with your personality.  I do moderate one for slaves only, if you do decide that is the route you want to go.

You're on the right track.  Keep studying, both yourself and your needs and the lifestyle in general, and keep working on finding good venues for safely meeting others.  Above all, don't let anyone push you into doing something that you don't feel comfortable with.  If you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.  You have all my wishes for much success, and a long and happy relationship one day.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius