Expert: ziggy ziegler - 11/21/2008

Question
Hi,

We are a married couple new to BDSM. My wife has submissive desires and we have been playing for 3 months. Although I had never considered BDSM I have found it quite liberating. However, things seem to be going wrong. I have been doing some research and I am not sure if what we are looking for really fits the scene. Our play tends to revolve around sex. She enjoys being handcuffed and left in a corner, tied spread to the wall and lightly flogged, but we don’t get beyond that. Many of the more psychological things we have talked about don’t appeal to her, and if I try to dom her outside of the pure physical aspect she rebels. She seems enjoy the physical but holds on very tight to her mind. We have talked but her response is “I don’t know what I need”.

At this point I feel I have a very long list of what she will not do and a very short one of what she will. This all started when we had a drink with a couple who turned out were D/s, this excited my wife very much. Am I trying to fit into fantasy figure of my wife’s imagination or can she just not sub to a man she has had a vanilla relationship with for the last 15 yrs? We have never swinged or swapped so the thought of handing her over to a more experienced Dom does not appeal (my wife has never mentioned the idea I might add).

Not sure the way forward. We have bought a couple of books…Never mind the roses and The bottoming book but although I have read them and we have flicked through them they are still on the shelf waiting for my wife to read. Wife still wants to go forward and explore but we seemed to have talked ourselves to a standstill and I am no longer sure what “go forward” means. Help! Is my wife waiting for me to perform just like the guy in her fantasies and telling me would spoil it or is she trying to "top from the bottom" (whatever that means).

Sorry for the long mail!


Answer
Hello Steve

Not to worry about the length of your e-mail, I am happy to read it and respond.

First, right where you are at is fine. Most everyone (save a very few) start out in the bedroom and its a great starting point.

For existing relationships the transition between partners who have been together as vanilla partners for 15 years, can be rather difficult but certainly not impossible. Taking things slow and doing, a lot of communicating is paramount. I might also suggest keep exploring those fantasies that interest you both. There is nothing wrong with feeding that part of your relationship.. More tools in your tool box so to speak.

It can sometimes be helpful to look for groups in your area that you can attend, mainly to meet others who are on your same path. Sometimes the opportunity to just hang out and talk can be very beneficial. I read in your note that you had spent sometime with an experienced dominant just talking, that is good but don't think its necessary to hand her over to him. I think it normal to want to be your wife’s fantasy man but be careful not to set yourself up for failure. The fantasy in her head might be far more complex then either of you can pull off. Its been said that fantasy are powerful because they live in our heads and they tend to become less powerful once they are acted on but this doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Smiles.

On thing too is that its very normal in any transitioning from vanilla to D/s for the submissive to pull back and to resist submission outside the bedroom. This might be due to a number of things, one being fear. We live in a time where women are taught to be strong and independent and relationships are to be egalitarian. Anything that looks or feels different can be met with resistance. One thing that helps with this is shaping your D/s relationship to meet both of your needs. Might I suggest that you both sit down in separate spaces and jot down the following; wants, needs, desires and expectations with regards to, D/s, switch lists. You get hers and she gets yours and then in the following days pick a time when you can have a glass of wine and some dinner and begin to negotiate what you both would like. Care should be given, to each of you getting what you would like. The trick here is to be completely honest and that both of you are willing to at least try what the other needs. This is no time for either of you to play the passive role. Slow is your best bet, its easier to add things outside the bedroom then to take them away but if they just don’t work then subtracting things is ok too.

Continue to look around for opportunities to meet others in the lifestyle that way your wife can see that most submissives that choose to take on that role do so from a place of strength not weakness. On the other hand, your learning is also important in the process of transitioning your relationship. One way to find others is by googling “BDSM GROUPS and then add your location, that should pull up all the groups that are in your state and area. Might I also recommend WWW. Fetlife.com there you will find a host of topics that you can read and you can post your own questions. However, my recommendation is still to find some real time folks.

My time to apologize for the length of this not but I hope that there are some things here that are helpful.

Best wishes to you both..

Warmest regards
slave ziggy