Expert: awhitecloud - 11/4/2008

Question
I have been a sexual submissive my entire life - 42 now but remember having D/s fantasies from age 7. None of my vanilla relationships worked out. I discovered BDSM in 2002. I dated in the BDSM world for 5 years and eventually gave up trying to find a match.I fell in love with my current husband and we rushed into marriage and then had a child - I would say my biological clock was ticking. He knows I like to be dominated and he even tries it sometimes, but he is not really a Dom and it never feels right. As a person he is emotionally volatile and it often feels as though I am married to a child. We hardly ever have sex, whenever we do I feel as though it is a big let down - he is too focused on his own needs and I feel he is not that interested in my response. There are times when I find I dislike him - it is as though the love we had in the beginning has gone. I feel as though I should cut my losses and get out of the marriage - but I don't think that is right until I have given it a good shot. There are so many things about him that need changing - I think he needs counseling to sort out a deep seated anger. I know relationships go through bad patches, but I don't think a marriage where there is sex less than once a month is healthy either (we have been married only two years and it has always been this way - on our three week honeymoon we had sex twice.)I used to be a very sexual person but with him it has just died. I have not lost interest in sex, just sex with my husband. It seems to me I have made a mistake but then there is our daughter to consider who is almost 9 months old. Could I ever get the love back? Should I really have a long in depth discussion about my need for BDSM and try and get him involved? In the past he laughed it off and wasn't that interested. I think it makes him uncomfortable. If we did get divorced I worry he would use my kink against me in a custody battle  - it has been known that BDSM is not very favourable with the court.

Answer
May I say that you need to talk with him about the overall sex life you have. And work on that as it's own.  I myself am more into D/s and not the whole BDSM thing.  And for many BDSM just means bad things from what they have hard over the years and all.  So go to some sites and see what it is that you are really into inside of the BDSM field and then talk with him on those things not just under a blanked of BDSM.

There are not many today that are in the BDSM lifestyle that live BDSM, they live some parts of it, which is why the lifestyle is nice we can pick and choose what we want and leave the rest alone.  I can help you some on this if you want to follow back up privately where we can talk on yahoo or in email, just let me know.

Best of luck,

awhitecloud