Expert: arani_CsA - 11/21/2008

Question
Hello arani_CsA,
A quick background – i have known my Master for about 5 years, we have been together for about 1 ½ years and about 2 ½ months ago we decided to go 24/7 TPE.  He officially collared me about a month ago.  
My Master said i am to be punished and I am having trouble accepting it because i was not acting maliciously or with any bad intention, we don’t live together (but are not long distance or anything) and won’t see each other for many days so i have to wait to receive this punishment and it seems like he has been handing out punishment a lot lately.  i am trying so hard to please him and it seems almost like any goof on my part is cause for punishment – not discipline, but punishment.  i think it would not be as hard if he and i were in a situation where we were able to see each other more frequently, but having to have punishment add up for a week or so and then upon seeing one another receive is very challenging.  In addition to that, i have sort of come to the point to where i don’t feel like it much matters what i do because i am already going to get a hell of a punishment anyway and what are a few more strokes at this point?  i am of course not acting on that, but it is a terrible feeling and not one that i want to have.  Almost like i will never be good enough, and not in that always-trying-hard-to-please-your-Master kind of way.  i also find that his declaration of punishment last night has shaken my trust in him, i am unable currently to articulate why this is the case.  i will continue to contemplate this.  i am also finding that in response to what feels like a lot of decisions for punishment rather than discussion or anything else, i am finding myself feeling like i do not want to be totally honest.   i know this sounds terrible, and it feels terrible too.

My Master has assigned me homework: “You must master the philosophy of the whip”  

i love him and only want to please him.  He is my Master.  He cares for me in every way and i hate feeling this resistance to him.  i have been able to in the past accept punishment with grace, and welcome it as a way to help me learn to better please and serve him, but for some reason i am finding it almost impossible to do that with this one.

Please help me adjust my thinking.  i don’t want to displease him with resistance to punishment, or in anyway for that matter.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and respond.  

Mp


Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Accepting punishment is indeed something that is very hard for slaves, and I count myself among that number.  I will tell you that it doesn't get easier, although perhaps the reasons for our difficulty may change.

I like to say that a submissive DOES what her Master wants, while a slave BECOMES what her Master wants.  I am not at all submissive, and yet feel that intense craving to be totally and completely owned and controlled that only a slave can feel.  I hate to be told what to do, but the truth of it is that it doesn't matter whether I like it or not.  I simply have to do it.  I made a commitment, 8 1/2 years ago, to do whatever this man told me to do, and I have to be true to that commitment just as I have to be true to the commitment I made when I got my driver's license or took a job.  If I fail in either of these undertakings, I will have to pay the price -- as I did just last week when I was pulled over for speeding.  No matter how wrong I think that policeman was to pull me over, or how much I resent having to send money to traffic court, the consequences of not sending that money are much worse.  Namely, I could be arrested and taken to jail.  In the same way, the consequences of not accepting any punishment that your Master deems necessary are much worse -- you could be given a more serious punishment, or even released from your collar.

Someone asked me, just recently, how far a slave's service went.  My reply is that the slave's service goes just as far as the Master says it does.  Period.  A submissive can stipulate limits or be entitled to a safe word, but slaves willingly forego that when they allow that collar to be put around their necks.  

Some Masters feel it necessary to test their slaves, in one way or another.  Your Master may be doing this.  He may be trying to see just how far he can push you, and if you will submit without question no matter what.  Thankfully, my own Master doesn't believe in testing slaves, but there are some who consider this to be just another part of training.  

Now, I'm not saying that your Master is necessarily right in doing what he is doing.  It's not for me to try and figure out what his motives are, or to judge them.  Masters rarely let their own slaves in on their thought processes or motivations for doing what they do, and can be even more mysterious to those outside of the relationship.  But what's important here is whether you can bring yourself to accept this kind of treatment.  This is a consensual slavery, meaning that you do have the right to walk out of the arrangemet at any time.  It is the mark of a good Master that he can bring his slave to the point where she cannot consider leaving the relationship, not through physical means but psychological.  But it IS possible to abuse a slave, and that is by causing her permanent harm -- again, either physical or psychological.  

So, what you need to do is to sit yourself down and have a long talk with yourself.  Is this the kind of life that you can live, for years perhaps?  You're not likely to change your Master, you can only hope to change your response to his actions.  If you can't do this, then it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.  It simply means that you need another kind of Master.  

By the way, I dislike the term TPE when describing a Master/slave relationship.  With M/s, there is nothing that is "exchanged."  The Master takes, and the slave gives without expecting anything in return.  If she feels loved or protected, then that is a plus that the Master is in no way expected to provide.

Here's some good reading for you:
http://www.rlslavery.com
http://www.bestslavetraining.com
http://www.bornslaves.com
http://www.enslavement.org.uk

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, please feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius