Expert: arani_CsA - 11/13/2008

Question
Hello Master Shadow,

I have been a sub for over 5 years, 3 of them recently with someone I thought I would always be with. Things began deteriorately 8 months ago and in June of this year I asked to be released. Our last session was not good, and humiliation was used. I do not react well at all to it, of course He knew it was something I never wanted to do. I used to love the l/s, and I loved the part of me that wanted to explore new things. Now I am truly at war with myself. I am still drawn to the lifestyle but will not allow myself to become involved and "play". I know part of the fear is that someone new will not respect my feelings on some issues and that the trust will be gone once again. I was completely last on the list with my previous Dom and was open and honest about how I felt about it. He also practiced financial servitude having me pay for 90% of outings etc. I am a single mom with 4 kids. I guess I am wondering how to let go of the fear, and how to make piece with the side of me that still needs parts of the l/s. I truly cannot hardly stand that part of me anymore and am finding it difficult to put the "need" for the l/s away. I know...a complicated question...but do You have any advice for me?

Answer
Hello...

I'm sorry that Master Shadow is unavailable to answer your question, but perhaps I can be of help to you.

I can completely understand the dilemma that you're in. I, too, once was enslaved to a Master who violated my trust in such a way that I was quite literally afraid for my life.  And, yet, I still knew in my heart that I was a slave and needed to be owned absolutely and without question.  

Trust is such a vital part of our lifestyle; when it is betrayed, it cannot easily be found again.  The same can be said for any kind of relationship -- be it friends, lovers, husband/wife, or Dom/sub.  The big difference, though, is that a friend rarely has your very life in his hands as a Dominant will.

The process of restoring trust is the same in any kind of relationship, to a certain extent.  Certainly, you don't want to jump right into the same kind of relationship right away.  You need to give yourself time to heal, and to look deep within yourself to discover how you have grown from this experience (and you have, even though you might not realize it now), and how to protect yourself from being hurt again.  

Think of this as a learning experience.  Growth is often painful, but in the end we come out stronger and wiser for it.  Any time we can take xomething bad and find the good in it for ourselves, we grow a little bit inside.  So, for now be content to be without an Owner.  Spend some time looking inside yourself, and see if you can discover why being treated in this way was so traumatic for you.  Did you have a bad experience with humiliation as a child, or was it something else?  Now, I'm not trying to say that you should put aside this limit, but you should try to understand exactly why it is such a hard limit.  (By the way, try researching the difference between humiliation and degradation.  Some Dominants don't even know that one.  But, personallhy speaking, I love degradation while I don't handle humiliation at all well.)  Knowing yourself better will only help you to protect yourself from further harm in the future.  

I also suggest that you get involved with a BDSM group in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here you can meet and become friends with other subs as well as Dominants and others in the lifestyle, both collared and not.  You can learn from their own experiences, and observe how they interact with each other.  And you can get to know prospective Dominants and see how they interact with other subs, and talk to those other subs.

Yes, I do think you can find yourself taking another collar, but only when you're ready.  You may want to seriously consider drawing up a contract (a short-term one, maybe), or perhaps only playing in public for a while.  Take a lot of time to get to know yourself better, and also to get to know any prospective Dominant.  Please believe me when I say that there will come a day when you know you're ready for another relationship.  And when that day comes, I'll bet you'll make a beautiful submissive -- and that beauty will not just be on the outside.

Good luck to you.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius