Expert: Mistress Violette - 11/18/2008

Question
i have been dating a wonderful woman for several months and we have dabbled in light bondage and such. she is much more expirienced in this realm but is reluctant to talk with me about her wants and needs.i am very much into pleasing her in any way that she requires and i am very intriged by the dom role. she has mentioned that she is a sub. knowing a little and wanting to know so much more is sometimes aggravating. being dominate can mean diffferent things to different people. how do i go about leaning more about filling the dominate role to the best of my abbilities and how do i ask her about what it is that she really needs and seeks from her dom. thank you i am eagerly waiting

Answer
Hello, Scott,

You're both lucky to have found someone with interests in this area. Kudos to you for looking for a way to make this a satisfying situation for you both. I have a couple of comments and then some recommendations for further study.

I understand what you mean by pleasing her, but that might not be exactly how you want to put it to a submissive. You want to interact with her in such a way that her need to submit is met but expressing it as "pleasing her" can be confusing to a submissive. She sees it as her job to please you, to do what you want her to do. There are many subs who very much don't want their dominants to do things for them, as it makes them feel like they're not really submitting. It's very important that she share her wants and needs with you, however, so you might try a different approach.

Negotiation is very important in BDSM. There are things that might be damaging to your submissive. You want to know about those things for safety reasons. There areas where it would be healthy for her to stretch and you want to know what those are so you can encourage growth. There will be times when you want to reward her or show appreciation for her efforts. You can't do that without knowing her wants and needs. My suggestion is you explain your need to know that way, rather than as a desire to please her. Tell her the truth, that you have to know her limits and boundaries, as well as her pleasures, in order to be an effective dominant. There's nothing wrong with her telling you what she likes or dislikes. Giving you information is not the same thing as giving you instructions. In the end, what does or doesn't happen is up to you, you just need information from her in order to make smart and safe decisions.

Being dominant means being the one in control. There's not a whole lot of leeway in the definition. Where the differences come into play is in style and philosophy. The thing to do is learn about what other people do, take the ideas that resonate with you and work them into your own style. Do what feels comfortable. There's no one right way to do BDSM, as long as your BDSM is safe, sane, consensual and fun for you both.

I can't think of a better place for you to start learning than with this book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It's a common sense approach to both ideas and technique and helpful for beginners. Also, check out web sites devoted to lifestyle BDSM. Here are some that you might find helpful:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

It could be a good idea for the two of you to explore these sites together. There's nothing wrong with a dom learning from a sub, plus you can get an idea about whether your interests are similar. Too, it would be a way to help start, or continue, the conversation you need to have with each other about where the relationship needs to go in terms of BDSM.

I know this is a lot to take in at once, Scott. Don't feel rushed or that you have to learn everything and jump right into power exchange. It's fine to take things easy and explore and learn at your own pace. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette