Expert: CougarDomme - 11/24/2008

Question
My wife says she has submissive desires and wants me to dominate her. She enjoys being flogged and mild punishment. But I am confused by her attitude. Since we have starting playing these games she has never made the first move which is fine. I am left to make the move but she will often say it’s the wrong time or she is not in the “right” mood. However if I leave it and don’t bother for a couple of weeks she asks when I am going to do it. We always play to her way…..same formula, flog, punishment, vanilla sex. If I experiment or go away from her scene, she says “it spoils it for her” although she doesn’t stop she freezes up, makes it clear she is not happy and doesn’t respond. I have tried pushing her limits either forcing her to play or to do something I want and she goes off the deep end and everything ends in a big argument. We have tried looking at BDSM porn and we now have a long list of things she would not do, I bought her the bottoming book but she doesn’t have time to read it. If I ask her what she fantasises about she says she doesn’t have any. In fact throughout our marriage despite being active and orgasmic, she says she never has fantasies or masturbates.

When we first started I was enjoying myself so much, I have always been the dominate one in our day to day lives and finding this dominance in our sex life was liberating. But what is going on with her? She won’t talk…. I have tried to explain that if she wants to be submissive then once we have set out limits she is mine…. We are new to this so nothing we have tried or I want to try is “way out there” in fact what I want more than anything is to break this feeling that in fact she is in control.

Does she really want to be the dominate one? Is this her way of saying she wants to be dominated by someone else? Does she think I am too weak for her to give herself to?

Four months ago I thought we had a healthy, happy marriage. Comfortable income, lots of laughs, good adventurous vanilla sex lives. Now everything is a big pile of confusion that I can get her to talk about it. She says if we can’t play the way we are then we should drop it, but I can see the anger behind that comment and wonder where we would be six months from now if I did. Unfortunately the way we are now feels like me regularly on my knees saying “please may I Dom you tonight dear”….and that is not going to happen. What the hell is going on with her?


Answer
Your wife isn't being submissive, she's topping from the bottom so to speak. She has no desire to truly be a submissive, it's merely a sex game for her and she's the dominant one because YOU are dancing to her tune. This is called "topping from the bottom" and it's very bad form for a submissive to do this and it tells me that she's not as submissive as she wants you to think--she's using submission to get what she wants/needs from you and then she goes on about her merry way. There are a lot of ways to break her of these bad habits, but the first one is STOP giving in to her and doing what SHE wants you to do. If she wants to have a scene, fine, but YOU control the scene, NOT HER.  Orgasm denial is a good way to start--tie her up, tease her, make her squirm and plead and beg but DO NOT let her have an orgasm.  Do this repeatedly over the course and instead of sex, masturbate in front of her, cum on her and then leave the room. When you come back in the room start up again and make her beg and plead to be allowed to have an orgasm and deny it again. Force her to masturbate for you while you watch--this will definitely break her down.  Let me know if you need more assistance on this.  For the next month she is denied orgasm unless she masturbates in front of you and asks for permission--if not, there are severe repercussions. During this time, feel free to tie her up and tease her and make her beg and then YOU can feel free to cum ON her--face, tits--wherever but not anywhere she can get anything out of it--she's not worthy of your sperm because she's a disobedient and disrepectful "slut" and point this out to her when you are teasing her--show her how wet she is and make her beg--tell her she's all wet and what a dirty slut she is--you'll be surprised at her attitude change.  If you want to be in charge, you have to take charge--you've let her top from the bottom and those days are OVER.