Expert: arani_CsA - 11/11/2008

Question
I am a sub, fairly new to bdsm. I just moved away from my Dom, and so we're doing the online thing. One of our more intense sessions, I experienced what he described to me as a heightened state of sub-space, and referred to it as "breaking." I was out of sorts for a good 3 days. I'm just wondering if this is normal, or heard of, or if it was just a very intense state of sub-space.
Thanks!

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

I suspect that what you may have felt was what is termed "sub-drop" or "submissive rebound."  Many submissives feel this from time to time, especially after a very intense scene.  It is also highly possible for a submissive who does not live with her Dominant to feel this after spending some time with him.  I know that I felt it often enough when my own Master and I were in our long-distance phase.

When a submissive is in sub-space, her body is being flooded with endorphins.  That's what causes the feeling of euphoria, or bliss, or whatever you want to call what you feel at these times.  When that scene is over, and the body's chemistry returns to a more "normal" level, it is not at all unusual to feel the absence of those endorphins as a let-down of sorts.  It's very similar to someone who experiences a "high" from drug use, who crashes into a deep "low" when those drugs leave the body.  It's part of what makes someone become an addict, the desire to reproduce that sense of euphoria and avoid the drop that comes afterward.  It's why I've heard sub-space referred to as a powerful drug.  (But that doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.)

Submissives who serve at a distance often feel this sort of thing even when they haven't been involved in intense S/m play, when they are privileged enough to spend some time with their Dominants.  This is due, in part, to the fact that when you are with your Dominant you are focusing a high level of energy on watching even his smallest of actions, and concentrating so hard on being just the kind of submissive he wants you to be.  If you lived with him 24/7, this sort of thing would become second nature, and you wouldn't have to work so hard at it.  But because you are not typically with him like this, it requires more effort and concentration on your part.  Too, you are having to deal with emotions that may not have surfaced when the two of you were apart.  As a result, your perception of reality will blur, and you will feel joined with your Dominant in a very powerful way.  I used to joke that I lived in sub-space precisely because of this feeling.

When the Dominant is no longer present in the same way, it's not at all unusual for the submissive to feel a sudden return to feelings that she may have been able to suppress when with him.  This might include feelings of having to balance your desires and your lifestyle with what might be socially acceptable in your day-to-day world.  If, during the time that you were with your Dominant, your limits were stretched, you may feel a sense of violation when you realize what has happened, and you may feel somewhat guilty about what you may have allowed him to do to you (or what you may have allowed yourself to do).  That emotional freedom you may have felt when he was there is suddenly gone, or lessened to some extent.  You may feel lonely or abandoned by your Dominant, and feel in some way that his leaving you is some sort of judgement that you aren't good enough for him to want to be with you all the time.  (Even if that isn't the case.)  

It is the Dominant's responsibility to ensure that the submissive doesn't feel this kind of "let-down" after a scene or a visit.  Or he should maintain some sort of contact after the encounter, to reassure the sub of his care and concern, and his desire for her.  A Dominant has a huge responsibility of protecting his submissive from physical and emotional harm.  You should discuss your feelings with your Dominant, and seek his reassurance that he still wants you as his submissive, and seek some way of providing service to him even when you are not physically together.

Another way to handle this sort of thing is to seek out the friendship and support of other submissives.  This can be done through on-line discussion forums, or through a BDSM group that meets in your area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com).

Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius