Expert: arani_CsA - 12/24/2008

Question
Hello,
I have come to you because i read another answer you gave, and i thought it was excellent, and very well written.
A little background information: I am a 19 year old male, from Ouro Preto Brazil, and i am almost married (engaged) to a 21 year old girl. She comes from a very traditional house, but is very open to new things, so i recently told her i´d like to be submissive to her. However she has no idea what that means, my exact words were something in the lines of "i truly enjoy making you happy, and i really enjoy doing whatever you want, and i love treating you well, i dont want you to do any household shores, i´d like to do them for you, and i want you to command our relationship". She responded positively to that, said she loved being spoiled by me, and really likes how i give her a lot of attention. In our intimacy she always stayed on top and always liked to call the shots. So far so good. The problem is i would really like for her to take more initiatives, telling me exactly what to do, and slowly working up to punishing, and a deeper BDSM relation. She seems to just like being spoiled. She never asks me to do anything, she is very sweet she seems to just enjoy it lightly. How do i approach her to tell her to be more intense? How do i stimulate her to truly enjoy the position i am offering to her? Is this a matter of time? How do i let her know that i do like her sweet side, but i would love to see a more agressive, a meaner side of her? I would not like to talk to her as openly as before again, as it seems i would be truly pushing it on her, and i want her to naturally like it, i want her to be inspired. Thank you for the attention, sorry for possible errors, my english is not very well trained.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question, and also for your kind compliment.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You may have already discovered, if you have done any research on BDSM, is that the lifestyle encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship types.  There are some couples who simply enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, there are those who crave a total Master/slave relationship (like my husband and I), and many different levels in between.  You may also have learned that BDSM is not for everyone; there are some who simply are not attracted to that type of relationship.

When introducing a partner (or a potential partner) to the lifestyle, the best approach is to go slowly.  You've already paved the way through your previous conversations with your girlfriend.  However, there is a difference between your taking the initiative in determining how you are going to "spoil her," and her taking the initiative in deciding how and when she wants to be spoiled.  If you are the one deciding how she is to be served, then who is really in control?

It appears that she enjoys taking the lead in the bedroom.  This is a good start.  One night, prepare the bedroom early in the evening, perhaps without her knowledge.  Place some toys in plain sight, beside the bed -- perhaps a collar and leash, handcuffs, some soft scarves, a light flogger, and perhaps a dildo. Instead of telling her that you want her to use these on you, just let her notice them on her own and choose to use them or not.  If she does, let her take total control of the situation, as long as you feel safe.  Let her know, clearly, how much it turns you on for her to control you like that.  

One evening, kneel before her very subjectly and ask, "Mistress, what would you like your boy to prepare you for dinner tonight?"  (Hopefully, you will have everything on hand.)  Then, place her dinner on the table -- don't set a place for yourself.  Kneel beside her and wait patiently as she eats -- serve her and cut her meat for her, and fill her glass when it is empty.  Take her lead, here, but give her the opportunity to do so.  If she insists that you join her at the table, do so, but maintain a very submissive demeanour, asking her permission to fill your plate and your glass, and jumping up quickly to do her least bidding.  

Ask her to choose your wardrobe.  Ask for permission to use the bathroom.  Kneel and ask permission to enter the room where she is.  Find all sorts of little ways to ask permission to do everyday things, or to ask her to make choices for you.  I think that eventually both of you will get used to this way of life, and she will take charge more readily.

As for punishment, that will come when it's time.  Don't go out of your way to disobey her.  You might be surprised to learn that many Dom/sub couples never use punishment except in extreme circumstances.  In the eight years that my Master and I have been together, he has only punished me a couple of times.  This is something that he reserves for intentional disregard of his commands, which happens very rarely.  He does issue corrections quite often, when he tells me that I should do something differently, or when I make an honest mistake.

I also suggest that both of you spend some time reading about the lifestyle, together, and then discussing what you learn and what it means to you.  As she reads about other Dominants and how they treat their submissives, she will get a better idea of what the lifestyle is all about.  Be sure to tell her what being a submissive means to you, and why this kind of a life attracts you.  When you both are ready, discuss formalizing your relationship with a collaring.  But before this happens, you need to have a period of negotiation, where she will specify what exactly she expects you to do for her, and what kinds of service you do and do not want to provide.  (You are allowed limits, and a safe word.)  Specify what the consequences for misbehavior are.  But be sure to also lay out what her responsibilities are -- is she to be the one who goes out and earns money to support the two of you, or is that to be part of your service as well?  How public is this side of your relationship to be?  (You may want to have a contract that states some of these things.)

Here are some good places to start your learning together:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.wizdomme.com (especially for female Dominants)

You may also want to do a web search on "Domestic Discipline."  This is sort of a light version of the lifestyle, and might be appropriate for those who want to start out in a small way, or who aren't sure if this lifestyle is for them.

Good luck to you, and a very merry Christmas.  If you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius