Expert: arani_CsA - 12/2/2008

Question
I am not in a relationship; but have been fooling around with a guy for 7 months now. I dont feel I can talk to him for fear of scaring him off since there is no type of commitment.
Prior to him I have had no previous experience with the s & m lifestyle. I was so intrigued; I really enjoyed being slapped, choked, tied up, spanked, etc, they were all things that had never been done to me before; and it shocked me how into it I was. Still to this day hes the only dominant partner ive been with.
I had never had anal sex before either.
I have discovered over the past couple months that he is into vaginal stretching. I do wish I were in a relationship for that one (the thought of becoming loose with no guarentee that we will ever even be together again makes me uneasy); the first couple times I was very hesitant towards it, and always made him stop. He hasnt done it recently, but he does tell me to force my hand in there.
Sex on Halloween he called me a whore; luckily I had read about s & m a little bit and knew that it was normal to be called names.
We had sex the day before thanksgiving, and again was calling me his whore, his slut, and was asking me to beg for things--like being fucked in the ass, etc, which he knows i dont like anal that much, and at another point asked if he could do whatever he wanted; and in the moment I said yes. I want to give him control, but Im still scared. Im brand new to not only s&m, but anal, and i can handle the rest of the pain, but not the anal pain.
How can I get my master to use lube? He'll ask questions during sex like "do you want me to fuck you in the ass", and if I say no, then he gets mad, or lets say hes doing something and asks if I like it, if I say no, he does it harder. I want to make him happy; I want to say yes, and let him do whatever he wants, but it gets to a point where anal really hurts. On thanksgiving, it was hurting really bad, but when he asked if i wanted him to fck me in the ass, and i said yes, and he went for it, it hurt so bad I pulled myself away and layed on my side, almost crying, he asked again if id like him to fuck me in the ass, i said yes but it hurts so bad, he said so, get up, i said no, it hurt to bad... he said do you remember our agreement? u said i could do what i wanted. i said i knew and i was sorry.. if im lucky he will use spit as lube..
The next day he came over.. the first thing he said when he walked into my room "are you gunna let me have that ass" and i said if u use lube, and he said you will get spit or nothing at all.
The second time we ever had sex i was scared, and thats why i started reading a bit on s & m. I was scared because he said "would u like it if i fucked you until your pussy bled".. the first time we had sex i had lube, and kept applying it myself, but after like the 5th time he said no and forced it in...
in all my reading everything talks about using lots of lube and taking things like fisting, slow.. he is very forceful, with no lube... he likes seeing the pain on my face. Is the not using lube a common thing, or does he need serious help? He does like the thought of fucking me so bad im sore for a long time; and making me bleed...

He is a good friend; I respect him completely, his views, his believes, everything; but yet i cant seem to talk to him regarding sex for fear of losing him . I have no idea how he feels about me as a person; hes just said he never wants a relationship because he needs to be free, and hes had relaitonships in the past and they were all the same. We are both 23. He is a very big free spirit and would pack up and leave tomorrow for no particular reason if thats what his heart told him to do; so i feel like if i talk to him and tell him i dont like sex without lube that he will drift away from me, and i need his sex, i crave it all the time.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, I strongly suggest that both you AND your boyfriend do some serious research on the BDSM lifestyle.  Notice that I'm not calling him your Master, because he's not acting like one.  Bossing someone around and subjecting them to rough sex against their will is most definitely NOT what a good Master does.  A good Master will have many other tools in their arsenal that don't cause their submissives to feel fear, or the threat of abandonment.  There is a difference between consensual S/m play and abuse, and I'm not sure you or this guy understand what that is.

There is much more to BDSM than S/m play.  The lifestyle consists of a wide spectrum of relationships, from couples who simply enjoy a little kinky sex in the bedroom, to those who crave a full-blown Master/slave relationship (like my husband and I).  There are some who enjoy S/m play but are not all that interested in service, and then there are those who want a service-based relationship but are not at all masochistic.  Then there are some, like myself, who crave a service-oriented relationship but also enjoy a little S/m play from time to time.  (However, I like to say that our S/m play is merely a shared recreational activity that does nothing to define our relationship.)

Any D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship starts with a period of negotiation.  The Dominant and submissive speak about what they want out of a relationship as well as what they don't want.  They discuss what BOTH of them are willing to give to the relationship as well as what they want to get out of it.  The submissive is allowed the right to stipulate limits, or things that she will not do.  Sometimes these may be motivated by religious beliefs or previous experience, such as sex with other women or being tied up.  Sometimes they are motivated by lack of experience, such as golden showers.  These may be "soft limits," or activities that the Dominant will try to push the submissive past (without causing fear or anxiety), and "hard limits" which are never to be touched.  A submissive should also be allowed a "safe word," or some way of letting the Dominant know that she wants to take a break, or that he has crossed the boundary into activities that she doesn't want to participate in.

A good Dominant will be very concerned about his submissive's welfare, both physical and psychological.  He will be concerned about her growth both as a person and as a submissive, and be very protective of her.  He may ask her to do things that are painful or frightening, but will be very careful not to cause permanent harm.  Owning a submissive is a tremendous responsibility.  When someone quite literally places her life in your hands, you have to be very careful of how you treat that life.  Or you may find yourself explaining to the police why there's a dead woman tied up in your bedroom.

Here are some good places to begin your research:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

I also strongly suggest that you become involved with a BDSM group in your local area.  (Preferably both of you, but at the very least you, yourself.)  There is a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com)  Here you can speak to others who share your interests, and learn from them.  You can see how they interact with each other, and make friends with other submissives who can help you understand what you are going through.  These groups will respect your privacy as long as you respect theirs.  And they will help you learn to play safely, and so that you will enjoy what you do and not experience harm.

Remember, safety and consensuality are two very important buzz words in our lifestyle.  If you don't feel safe, or feel you are being forced to do something you don't want to do, then it's not S/m.  It's bullying, and abuse, and you should get away from it as soon as possible.

Good luck to you.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius