Expert: arani_CsA - 12/20/2008

Question
so i have been going out with this girl for a couple years and we have just started to get into BDSM about a year ago. She is an extremely shy girl and i am trying to break her of it. She loves bondage but when it comes to punishing her when she disobeys me, she never learns her lesson. I have whipped her, spank/paddle her, banned her from touching herself when she isn't with me, and things like that. She still disobeys my wishes. Any new ideas for punishment that will keep her more in line, or any that she wont enjoy so she doesn't keep disobeying me?

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Punishment is a very complicated thing, whether it involves a slave or submissive (not the same thing) or a child or a pet.  The person being punished must understand what she is being punished for, and also what she should do instead.  She must also know when she has done rightly.  She must be rewarded for good behavior as much, or even more, than punished for bad behavior.  

I have belonged to my current Master for almost nine years.  In all of that time, he has punished me probably only once or twice.  That's because, as a slave, the smallest thought that I MAY have been displeasing to my Master is so painful that I would do anything to avoid doing so.  Master reserves punishment for intentional disobedience of his commands.  If I do something that is out of line with what he wants because of lack of understanding or a mistake, he will correct me by instructing me as to the proper way to behave in a particular situation, but he will not punish.  A mistake is a mistake, and is not intentional disobedience.  One method of training a slave is to allow her to do something, and then instruct her as to what she should have done differently.  In other words, correct but do not punish because the undesirable action was not intentional on her part.  

Now, some submissives (and a few slaves) actually enjoy being punished.  They will intentionally misbehave, hoping that they will be spanked or scolded or whatever.  Some D/s couples will role-play scenarios in which the submissive is told that she has been bad, and must accept punishment.  In these cases, no actual misbehavior may have occurred, but instead both parties involved use this to lead into an intense S/m scene.  

You didn't mention whether your girl is a slave or a submissive.  There is a big difference here, and how you respond to her misbehavior will be determined by this.  A slave must obey, whether she likes it or not.  It doesn't matter whether she enjoys what she is told to do.  Whereas a submissive will specify what she will or will not do, usually in the negotiation phase of a relationship.  This negotiation will most often occur in the early days of a relationship, but re-negotiations may take place at any time.  A slave is allowed limits, but only those permitted to her by her Master, whereas a submissive will expect her Master to respect the limits that she sets for herself.  This is why some people say that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship.  However, even a slave has the right to know that her Master will protect her by not requiring her to do things that cause her undue physical or psychological pain.  Yes, he should push her limits, but there are always some boundaries that he should never cross.

You did mention that you are trying to break your girl of her shyness.  Sometimes what looks like shyness may be caused by a lack of self-confidence or poor self-esteem.  If this is the case, then punishing her every time she does something wrong will only reinforce that she is not good enough for you or not worthy of your love.  Instead, you need to build her up by rewarding her when she does what you want her to do, whether that be with words of praise or allowing her some privilege.  If she thinks that she is going to be punished no matter what she does or no matter how hard she tries, then before long she's going to give up trying.  

I suggest that you sit down with your girl and have some long and thoughtful discussions about what it is that BOTH of you want out of this relationship.  What is it that both of you find stimulating in your relationship, and what is it that you don't like?  Are her needs being met as often as yours are?  Is your relationship truly consensual?  Does she have any ideas as to what you can do so that she will be inspired to obey you better?

I also suggest that you find a BDSM group that meets in your area, and become involved with that group to some extent.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here you can meet others who share your interests, and see how other couples interact with each other.  You can find out what works for them, and what doesn't work.  You can learn from them by watching and by listening.  And you can have fun with others who share your lifestyle choices.

Good luck to you both.  If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius