Expert: ziggy ziegler - 12/15/2008

Question
Hello Ziggy.. I've been married for a year and a half to a man who is very interested in the BDSM lifestyle.. Specifically, he would like to dominate me through the usage of ropes, whips, and other devices in order to get me to submit. Now, I am not a submissive person at all. I am not a control freak, but I find the thought of submitting/being dominated to be absolutely repugnant and anathema to who I am. However, I do love my husband and would like to give him what he needs. Is it even possible for someone like me to truly and genuinely submit? Would this require me to be "broken" first? And exactly what would that entail?

I have a fairly high tolerance to pain, but I hate pain. I do not mind being tied up, i actually enjoy it. But it's the thought of being tied up and whipped that is almost driving me insane. Then relying on some "safety word" kind of injures my pride a bit.. This whole scenario goes completely against my nature, but not his, and I'd really like to find some way to compromise. What could we do?

Answer
Hello Shea

I hope this finds you well and in good spirits. Thank you for offering such interesting questions.

Please allow me to begin by sharing some basic terminologies that might help me in answering your questions.

There are a number of ways a person can submit to a dominant partner; the first and most common way is as a “Bottom.”  The bottom usually only submits to the dominant partner or “Top”, during what we call “Play” or when he or she is using a whip, rope or other devices. During these sessions, the top and the bottom have a chance to explore those tools that create a variety of sensations. These sessions are usually considered erotic to both partners. It is the “willingness” of the bottom to submit to the sensations for the mutual gratification of both partners. The tools, are rarely used to create submission but rather submission by the bottom comes before the use of the tools and is usually done after some considerable negotiations. These negotiations include discussions on what both the top and bottom like to experience during play and what areas they do not want to experience.  In this type of relationships, it works only if the top respects the limits of the bottom. Again, its based on mutual gratification and not force or cohesion.

Another way people submit is in a way that is more of a station or role within the relationship. Here again, the submissive agrees to submit to the dominant partner. This type of relationship encompasses more day-to-day living. It is a carefully constructed and negotiated relationship where the submissive allows the dominant more control over his or her life. The submissive is however, allowed more autonomy with regards to his or her limitations on that control but still they allow for more of the control to be the job of the dominant then that of a Bottom.

I have learned over the years is that those who submit to their dominant partners do so willingly. Their role in the relationships does not necessarily depict what their personality is. I don't mean to confuse you here, but just to give you an example. I am a slave but I do not have a submissive personality. I do how ever choose to submit to my owner based on respect and trust. In addition, I submit because it is what fulfills me to do so. I think many times people confuse personality for station or role with in their relationships and in their day-to-day functioning. I like to say in my relationship I am a slave but I do not walk in the world as such.

So to try and answer your question; “is it possible for someone like me to truly and genuinely submit?” I would say yes it is possible if you base your submission based on your desire to do so to your husband. If you are able to have open and honest talks with him about what that would entail. Going in with your eyes open can allow for a lot of explorations and greater gratification for both of you.

The wonderful part about where you and your husband are is that this is an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow together. Even if that means you only submit to him in what we call “play” your doing this  together will only strengthen your bond as long as there is a desire on both of your parts to engage in the dominant submissive way of living.

I hope that I have offered you some insight and answered your question.. If you have further questions please do not hesitate to write me again. I wish you the best of luck as you explore.

Warmest regards and happy holidays
Slave ziggy
House of Talonstar