Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/2/2008

Question
Hello. I apologize for my English, but I hope you would understand my questions. I found out that my husband is d/s oriented (he is switch, enjoys both roles), but I am not. I am  classic (guess you called it vanilla) romantic oriented. He has been trying to hide deviation and never to tell anyone. He confess that he has been ashamed of it. I love him very much and I know he loves me as well, however our sexual life was very unsatisfying. After I found out his sexual deviation I have spoken a lot with him about this problem. I even tried to have sex with him in both roles D and S. I have to say I enjoy it at the beginning.But very soon I found out that I lack  the feeling of true love, passion, I do not know how to explain it in English (just the things which are clear in natural sexual relationship). My husband is very sensitive and he wants to solve this out.He is not obliged me to do anything what I do not want. He is willing to have sex only when I want and I may choose the role (D/S) which I want. But often times I lack natural sex. So I wonder It is possible the two people one D/S oriented, second normal,natural oriented to have longlife relationship???

Answer
Hello, Vero,

The answer to your question is yes, a BDSM person and a vanilla person can have a lifelong relationship. Your husband is lucky to have a wife like you, someone who is open to his interests. It's great that he wants to reach a mutually satisfying resolution, too. These things will work in your favor and can help lead to a successful outcome. I'm going to suggest some things for you both to consider. I hope these ideas will help the two of you find a happy, healthy compromise for your relationship.

BDSM is something your husband wants, not something he needs to survive. The fact that he wants to always incorporate BDSM into sex doesn't mean that he has to or that he can't have meaningful vanilla sex. Lots of BDSM people enjoy passionate vanilla sex. Your husband can be flexible for you. He can be vanilla sometimes, BDSM sometimes. If you're willing to try to meet his BDSM needs, he needs to make the effort to meet your vanilla needs. There's no reason why sex with a BDSM person has to feel like it lacks love or passion. You can analyze why it feels this way to you and then you both can take the steps necessary to change it. Nothing about BDSM precludes love, romance or passion.

BDSM is not a perversion. It's a desire that happens to some people and not to others. That doesn't make it wrong, just different. As long as the two of you think of your husband's interest as something deviant you'll never be comfortable with it. This discomfort is more likely to get in the way of a happy relationship than his interest in BDSM is.

From what you've said, it sounds like your husband is more interested in BDSM as it applies to sex rather than to the day to day aspects of life. If so, your chances for a successful relationship are even better. Power is very sexy and power exchange sexual play is attractive to most people, even vanilla people. You've already experienced this yourself. It's possible the real problem isn't your husband's wants but the way the two of you are thinking about them. There's not a lot of discussion about BDSM in societies, so it's no wonder you both have wrong ideas about it. Misconceptions about BDSM  seem to be getting in the way of your relationship. It would probably help if you did a little research together. I think once you've done a little self education, you'll find it's not nearly the problem you've been thinking it is. With a little understanding, you might find that BDSM can actually add to your love and passion.

Here's a site with some good, and interesting, information about BDSM: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

I hope you're able to make this a happy and positive addition to your relationship.

Mistress Violette