Expert: Master Shadow - 12/15/2008

Question
I am having difficulty pinpointing the exat problem here, so bear with me if this isn't as coherent as it should be...I'll spell out the potentially pertinent facts and please, let me know your thoughts:

1.  I am Mistress in the House, sort of the Major Domo, my partner is Head of Household.  He is poly with no other partners at this time.

2.  I am a very high energy, strict Femdom, also no partners, couple of play partners that unfortunately are not mine, although I would like to find one to own.  I identify as sexually monogamous, but am remaining open to possibilities should I ever feel comfy exploring further.  I would not be seeking others except being a Sadist/FemDom, my partner cannot be what I need to satisfy that part of me.

3.  95% of the time my partner is the greatest partner I  ever could have imagined, then sometimes he acts as if everything I say and do is somehow AGAINST him...he no longer wants to go to events to be with me, since he doesn't have a play partner, but he would go with someone else.  I feel I am not good enough and feel unimportant.

4.  Furthermore, I have a hard time finding a compatible play partner that is not owned by another or for whatever reason would not be able to be dedicated to me.

5.  I love my partner but feel lonely and depressed often, and feel even worse for feeling that way.  Since when did I become such a wuss?  Who the hell hears about a depressed Dominant?

Answer
Ok. You must first realize that being Dominant has absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not a person is depressed. Yes, even Dominants get depressed (You should see me near the Holidays!)

Here's the thing, though. It sounds as if Your Partner is also having some depression issues as well, hence the times when He doesn't seem to be there, so to speak. The feelings that You are doing things "Against Him" seem to me to point to issues of self image, a very important thing to anyone.

As to WHY He wont attend events with You anymore might be a personal preference, or even trying to make it easier for You to find a sub/slave (Many subs or slaves, if they see You with another, will not approach, thinking You are already with someone else)

Now, as to Your feelings of worthlessness and depression. It would appear that You also have a few issues with self image. You should not pin Your image, so to speak, on the actions of O/others. If You are a good person, then You're still a good person, whether or not Your partner goes to events with You or not.

As to feelings of guilt. This feeling is a part of depression, or even bipolar. I also suffer from depression, and at times those feelings are worse than others. It's a part of the illness, so to speak. Many times, these feelings of worthlessness and guilt are part of an underlying problem that stems from childhood. If abused, or molested, it will affect the way You feel about Yourself as an adult. Many who go through this have been raped or molested as a child, which leaves a person feeling at times confused, guilty, worthless, and tired.

Some of these feelings can also be caused by seasonal affective disorder, wherein You will get depressed in the winter, or when the sun isn't out enough. Many of these feelings can be alleviated with either medications, or therapy. Yes, I said therapy. Talking things over with someone You trust. I won't go with meds, personally, as I find it easier to deal with my feelings rather than the side effects of the medications.

To be quite honest, I really don't see that there's anything really wrong, sop to speak, with You. People get depressed. So do their partners. Talking things through, honestly, and without "coming at each other" will help immensely, in my opinion.

Now, as to Your last issue, finding someone. It took me 5 years on a site called Alt.com before I finally met my wife, Mistress Mollie. You might try alt.com, or a few other sites, such as collarme.com. Realize, there are many players on these sites, but there are also many who do actively seek their One. The trick is weeding out the players, and finding those who are actually interested in real time domination. It takes work to do, but in my opinion is worth the effort, as You can have Your choice of those who are there, not just one sub/slave. I don't know about You, but I like a little variety when choosing someone as a partner in the Lifestyle.

I hope this helps, even a little. Best of luck in Your Journey.





                                          SINcerely in Leather,
                                          Master Shadow.

P.S. Please forgive the lateness of the response. I am also dealing with the Holidays.