Expert: arani_CsA - 12/1/2008

Question
I am in a sub/dom relationship where I am the dom. I have a very willing sub and we have agreed we want to do this properly. I am seeking advise on how to be a good dom and where are the best places to learn and chat to other doms to share information?

Many thanks.

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, I want to commend you for wanting to take the time to learn how to be a good Dominant, and how to treat your submissive well.  Recognizing that one has the personality to become a lifestyle Dominant or Master (not the same thing, IMHO) is not the same thing as knowing how to use that trait for the benefit of your property as well as for yourself.  Yes, it's nice to have a willing submissive at your beck and call, for service or for a nice play-toy or both.  But a good Dominant will also care for the well-being of his property, and train her and nurture her so that she feels safe and so that her own needs are met as well as your own.

There are some good websites that will give you a start in your own training.  Here are some of the better ones:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Another suggestion that I would like to make is that you and your submissive seek out and become involved with a BDSM group that meets in your local area. (You can find a listing of such groups at http://www.drkdesyre.com)  Here you can meet other Dominants (and submissives), speak to them and learn from them, and observe how they interact with each other.  These groups will typically have an on-line discussion group that will allow members to get acquainted with each other and to arrange meetings and events.  They will also quite often get together for "munches," or social gatherings at local restaurants.  Once the members get to know you and trust you, you may also find yourself invited into their homes or other venues for lifestyle-related discussion and even some S/m play, if that is your interest.  These people will typically respect your privacy as long as you respect theirs.

I also suggest that you explore these sites with your submissive, or have her go through them as well, and then discuss together what both of you are looking for in a relationship as well as what you are NOT looking for and why you feel drawn to this kind of life.  Most D/s couples will go through a period of negotiation before formalizing their relationship with a collar.  It's important to know what your submissive's limits are, and also to ensure that she fully understands what you will expect of her.  And it's very important that you NOT force her to do anything she doesn't want to do.  (That said, most Dominants do enjoy pushing their submissives' limits, to a certain extent.)

Good luck to you both, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius