Expert: Oscar G. - 12/17/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I have met this guy online about a month ago.I am 30 and a female, he is 37.Unfortunately we are more than 15 000 km away.We had no secrets and both said that we are in a relationships that do not work at all.The has also mentioned that he does not love her, that they are like a brother and sister,that they do not have any sexual life, he feels like he is in a jail etc.Our feelings were growing to eachother, we were discussing him coming and meeting me live.He says that he misses me all the time.We have webcam once, he said that he is very attracted by me,so was I...In generaly all was ok.I received an email yeaterday from him saying that he misses me alot, asking to email him .I emailed back saying that I have been out, and looking at all those happy couples, wondering if we will ever get a chance to look at eachtohers eyes.Also asked shall I give up.So I got a reply saying  that SHE is a good person with a good heart and he has decided to give her another chance.He also says that he really enjoyed becoming friends with me, and that  I was the one to show him what is important in life.He says that he likes me and would like to remain friends and possibily do a biz together.(there was a biz opportunity that I gave him, that he really liked and working on it right now, but I did not reveal the name and the contact details of the seller)
In generaly the email did not start with the usual ''hi Baby'', there was no I miss you and can not wait to see you.And if I only imagine that 10 hours earlier he is the way to ask me to email him, coz he is missing me...
Now ,what put him off?Everything looked normal.Is the testing me?What have happened in these 10 hours?Why he is giving her another chance after all he said.How can he stop wanting me all of thew sudden?I will appreciate any help.I am sorry if the email sounds confusing, I am very confused and hurt myself.Was this just a game for him?Thank you in advance.
P.S. I have forwarded the sellers contact details now, just to show what kind of genuine person am I, and that I am not a gold digger(he is quite wealthy, and I am not

ANSWER: Dear Moni:

I am sorry to hear what happened, yet  given the nature of  the "relationship" it was bound to happen if you never met face to face. Noticed i put "relationship" in quotes since just talking and corresponding is not a full fledged  complete relationship, no matter how you slice it. Granted, you might get to know a lot about the mind and story of a person, but a relationship of that kind is no more of a relationship that you could have with a writer of a novel who bares his/her soul. I know emotions do get engaged and connected  to that pseudo-knowledge of the other person online.

But i know by experience that distance affairs usually change course along the way, precisely because of the absence of a face and a PHYSICAL presence and interactivity in person. Sounds highly romantic and idealistic to have a purely mental romance and do everything online over miles and far away, but eventually one has to  be grounded in solid  concrete reality. Besides, we do not know what happened offline, do we?. His reality had more gravity and weight than flimsy and fanciful online affair. Sounds harsh, but it is  what most other people will tell you. Basically what he had out there had  certain urgency and immediacy that was more concrete and had actions that gave immediate results.

Why the change of mind? Probably they talked,and more than talked to each other thy probably communicated and issues got sorted out. Communication has a lot of power, but besides communication history and reality of presence  counts a lot. "But I WAS communicating with him" you could say. Yes, but only part of the time and he was living his life OUT THERE  with her. And remember, she was there first. So she had the home court advantage so to speak. And people DO Change. Circumstances do change and situation evolve. You are in the dark because you were focused merely on him and you. But no regard to other aspects of reality, so you got blind sided to possibilities. Very real possibilities that are hitting you now, sorry to say.


Did he lie? maybe not. But did he change? Possibly that and she might have changed. People do change their minds and that explains what could have happened. I am sorry as to your situation. But Be leery of long distance affairs. Internet is a great tool to know people, but real relations are forged by action and deeds in person, not mere words and conversation in the air.

This so shall pass, and you will be smarter and wiser because of your experience. Time does heal stuff, even if the smart remains right now. A hug and best wishes for the moment.

Be well and be safe.

Oscar G.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Oscar,once again thank you for your help.I received a new email from my dear online mate, saying ''Right now, I'd rather be with you! I am so totally confused I really don't know what to do anymore. You know how I feel about you.

Because of various things, mostly because of us, I have not been myself lately. Tina obviously noticed it. As such, I agreed to go to counselling today. I felt so bad about everything... I felt like shit. So I decided to tell you that I would give her one last chance. I didn't have to tell you. But I wanted to be up front and honest with you. I know you would expect that of me. Just as I would of you.

Please excuse me because I'm not good at this kind of thing. I never meant to offend you. I mean that. I know you are probably hurting right now while I sort my shit out, but Baby, so am I. More than you know.I am your friend... ok? Please, I still want you to be my friend too.

As always, I look forward to hearing from you.''

Now what is this.Givving her another chance, but still emailing me...?!? At first I thought not to email back, but now I am getting confused too.What shall I do...?Why does he want to stay in touch?  

Answer
Hi Again Moni:

Notice the details and subtext. He may care and developed feelings. But as i said before she was there first and whatever lack of communication they had before they are working on it again.
I believe the BDSM topic will come across those 2 and the counselor at some point.Withthat they will either clear the air and have a breakthrough, or break apart and he ha you as a back up emotionally.

As he said, he may be sorting stuff out, but you are still the back up option. And he thinks in one way or another we can remain chummy with you even if he remains with Tina (who as I said, lives there and has the  field advantage) or if stuff fails with her come back to you.

I cannot tell you what to do and/or how you feel. But ethically i feel as you are plan B/the other option/reserve parachute. After all before this happened, he was telling you how he was trying to get out and hoped you would understand. I think he should sort it out and then you decide what to do afterwards. You do not  have to  decide or do anything since it does not depend on you right now, does it?
And if things doe not work with  Her and then eventually communication and things does not work with you, is he going to do the same thing to someone else that he is doing right now?

Sorry if my answer is ambiguous or unclear, yet these choices while done with your head are certainly influenced by how you are feeling.
But usually the mind is more right emotionally that we give it credit sometimes. I hope it helps.

OG