Expert: awhitecloud - 2/19/2008

Question
I have been interested in bondage, torture, tickling, etc. as long as I can remember (probably pre 5).  When I started to touch myself, I would need to use fantasies based on these things to get off.  Using the internet I also had all sorts of access to porn (and even more exciting erotic stories) based on these things.  At the same time, I didn't think that I NEEDED (okay no such thing as NEEDing this, just wanting really bad) BDSM.  I never was in a relationship before either.

At the point when I could start exploring my sexuality, I was tied up in a long distance relationship (4 years online chatting but still would feel guilty about cheating).  I met this woman (two times once for 2 weeks and once for a month), then was tied up a year to bring her to the USA.  Finally she was here 2.5 months and we got married.  Everything was dandy for 6 months (in the mean time I tried to expose her to certain activities but she is just not interested and I thought this was okay).  Then after 6 months suddenly I start thinking of BDSM, wishing for out of the marriage, to find a play partner.  I never felt fully satisfied with the sex that we have, but it wasn't such a big deal before.  But after 6 months suddenly it started to be.

Now it has been a year into the marriage.  My wife is great, maybe the greatest wife in the world.  She does everything a man could want.  But at the same time my feelings for her are growing cold I think because I want BDSM in my life.  When we have sex I complete the act, however I don't feel satisfied.  And yet if I touch myself with a BDSM fantasy I do feel more satisfied for a time.  But then I don't want to touch her which isn't fair to her.

I want to explore my feelings.  For the longest time I thought BDSM was a fantasy.  Just something you imagine.  Even though people do it everyday, I still thought of it as a fantasy.  Now I feel like I need it.  Is there some way to explore it without cheating on my wife?  I don't want to end the marriage without knowing for sure what I need and that this isn't just a phase that will go away.  I really don't want to hurt her, but if I can't live without BDSM then I don't have a choice.  I wish I could have known sooner.  Is there a way to know if this is a passing interest or if it is some vital aspect of my personality?

And the other dilemma is that I am incredibly turned on by the dominant role.  But at the same time my personality is extremely shy and pliable.  I give in to arguments easily and have no self esteem.  Is it even possible for someone with my personality to become a dominant anyway?

Is there an age limit where it would be extremely difficult to just get into BDSM?  I mean at some age do people demand real life experience in their play partners (say 30/40/50) as opposed to earlier ages where no experience required (teens/early 20's)?

Answer
First off, there is no age at all for getting into BDSM, it is what works for you and what you both enjoy doing.  I think you need to sit down and talk with your wife and tell her what you are interested in and talk openly together.  then get active in your local community get to know others that are like minded.  Read all the books you can and do it together, learn and grow together.  She might just be scared about all the things people hear about the lifestyle.

And some people come off as Shy and laid back many would never thing they where a Dom, but watch out when you get them behind closed doors.  Dom's come in all sorts of packages, do not ever let the warper fool you about what is inside.

You aren't the first I have run into that just as not satisfied with straight Sex so do not feel alone there.  And it maybe that you really need to talk with your wife and explore things together and see what happens and take tiny baby steps and see you can can grow together.

I am not so sure I am not a mirage consoler but I do try to help and I understand how frustrating it can be to not have your needs met in all ways.  I hope that I have been able to help some if not I am sorry, if you have more quests please let me know.

awhitecloud