Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/26/2008

Question
Hello Mistress,

A few months ago, I met a random person online through an adult chatting site. Him and I hit it off very well in that  after 2 weeks of introductions and discussing our bdsm fantasies. We made an arrangement to have an online D/s relationship.

We both were honest for every personal information that was exchanged and disclosed between us. Now him and I acknowledge our personal ties to someone else in real life. His inner needs are not being met or have been acknowledge by his vanilla partner. He has express that he knows that she will not comply with his personal fantasies of bondage, domination and submission.

So from that he has looked elsewhere for this attention, which he gets from me. My situation on the other hand is similar, although, I have expressed my feelings and needs to my better half. He just doesn't have the personality or willingness to fulfill my kinky needs. So he doesn't care to acknowledge that.

By this I have looked elsewhere which I ended up with the man I have this D/s arrangement with. Now my 'D' or as I will refer to him as 'Sir', has a natural dominance to him which he knows how to control me as his sub. We both are very good at the expectations of one another based on our roles.

Our sessions include online messengers with webcam capability and phone. We both see each other on our ends and have a blast with our meetings. These meetings occurred over the coarse of 2 1/2 months which was frequent. Now...everything has come to a halt due to personal obligations between us.

He still expects me to follow the rules as the last time we actually spoke he would ask me if I have been following them. Honestly I have to some extent, but I am feeling neglected presently as he seems to be very busy and doesn't drop a line or two as he used too.

I understand that he has obligations and so do I but I feel that if he can't check up on me, then we have connection. It's just like any other relationship, without communication all things to turn to shyte!!! Now what would you suggest I do?  

Answer
Hello, D,

Sometimes it helps to get the perspective of someone who's not closely involved in the situation. Let me see if I can do that for you. I hope it will help you decide how you want to handle things.

You and your dominant have spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of months. It probably seems like you've connected so well you know almost all there is to know about each other as dom and sub. I'm going to guess your dominant thought you'd be fine without constant contact. In fact, you may have thought the same thing yourself. Sometimes there are things we discover only when they happen. It's likely this is one of those things. What you're feeling is natural and not uncommon, but it's possible neither of you were expecting it to happen or were prepared for it. The odds are very good your dominant has no idea you're feeling a loss of connection.

Consider giving him the benefit of the doubt and explaining the problem to him. That will give him the opportunity to decide what he can realistically offer you. If the relationship had been on-going for a great length of time, and had there been a planned transition from frequent contact to little, it wouldn't have been unreasonable to expect you to be able to carry on. Perhaps because things were going well, he thought it was possible to compress tine needed to develop a relationship. What you're feeling now shows that wasn't the case. He can't do anything about the problem until her knows there is one. So I  suggest giving him the chance to make things better.

It's possible he can provide enough communication and supervision to make it possible for you to continue as his submissive. You might find that you need brief but regular contact. You might find that just knowing he's available at certain times if you need him might be enough to main the connection. In the process of working this out, you may find something that fits your needs and your schedules. Just be prepared for the possibility that you may not. It sounds like you have a strong and affectionate bond. If it turns out you have to put the relationship on hold, I think you'll both understand that it was due to circumstances and not something lacking in either of you or your relationship.

I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette