Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/14/2008

Question
Hello Mistress Violette, I have read a number of your answers here on this board. I must say you sound extremely knowledgable and I am hoping you can help me some. I have been married to my husband for 18 months and we have been together for 4 years. I have been a Domme for about 10 years now. However the submissives I have had have been long distance or just "playing" subs. I have never dominated someone I was in love with. My husband and I met at a club and started dating and we were in a vanilla relationship. About six months into our relationship I began to get bored. So I talked to him and asked him if he thought our sex life was lacking something. Thankfully he agreed that it was as well. I started slowly with his fetish once or twice a week. Gradually over time we moved to bondage and some discipline. I have played HARDCORE and I'm a Sadist. He is not a masochist and at times I find it hard to reign in my sadistic side (but I ALWAYS DO..yet I find myself wanting more). I have a very Dominant personality but with him I am not dominant in our everyday relationship. We do not have a 24/7 D/s relationship. He is dominant in our "normal" lives and at his job (which I know many submissives are)...he is European and very much the "macho man". He loves being "forced" to submit and loves bondage. Now since I've never Dommed someone I loved so much (he is the love of my life, like no other)...sometimes I find it hard to treat him like I have treated other submissives in my past. He knows of things I've done with others and is open to anything. BUT he does enjoy trying to top from the bottom and this drives me crazy. I get frustrated and angry and I will stop playing when he does this. He refused a contract and a safeword which I was totally against. He insists that "stop" is safeword enough. He has  NEVER said stop to me. He will say "slow down or watch out"...but to me that is NOT a safeword. He only likes pain slightly and hates to have his nipples tortured. This is soooo difficult for me. I adore inflicting pain and again like I said before have to force myself to hold back. He KNOWS I love to inflict pain on him and it turns me on. The problem is that I have slowed down on playing with him due to the fact that I must reign my masochistic side in. He is now getting into more hardcore bondage which is exciting to me. It has taken 3.5 years to get him to agree to allow me to do  more than tie his hands and feet. I also stopped playing some due to pregnancy and 2 months ago I gave birth to our first son. I know my hormones are out of whack still and we will go back to having a "normal" sex life. I just want to know how I can be ok with not truly expressing my darkest most painful desires with my husband. AND I would like to know if you have any advice to help me help him give up control totally while we play so he can experience subspace. He can't and hasn't been able to totally let go and go into subspace. He says that he has felt a little different but then he will ask for a "break" from playing to smoke a cigarette. I feel like I'm starting all over again from the beginning of my training. I wish my Mentor was still around for I could go to her. I am not involved in a community anymore because we have moved so much. We have moved literally all over the world. I'm sorry if I rambled. I hope you can decipher a question or two out of all my mess. Thanks so much.
MC

Answer
Hello, Cynthia,

Thank you for your confidence in my answers. I hope I can give you some insights that will be helpful. I've drawn some conclusions from the information you gave me. You'll need to take into consideration that I only have some of the facts, which might effect my accuracy.

One of your concerns is lack of a safeword and contract. My personal preference is plain communication rather than a special word everyone has to remember and, in an emergency, might not be able to. Yelling "Leg cramp!" is going to get a faster response than yelling "Mercy!" or "Rumplestiltskin!" So while "Stop" doesn't exactly fit the bill, he is on a track that could work. You might want to consider having him tell you in plain English when something is wrong. As for contracts, some people have them, some people don't. If it's important you to have one, that is, if it's meaningful for you and not something someone has told you you have to have, tell your sub why you think it's important to have one and find out why he thinks differently. Once you each understand what the other wants and why, the situation might work itself out. If not, you have the information you need to look for another alternative that meets both your needs.

The thing is, if you, the dominant, are totally against something, why is it happening in spite of what you want? It's not because your BDSM is in the bedroom only. In whatever areas of the relationship you're dominant, what you say goes. Now, it's possible you might agree to his requests to do or not do something, but those are decisions the dominant needs to make.

I'm getting a bit of a sense that your sub isn't just topping from the bottom, you're allowing him to run the show. Telling you to "slow down" or "watch out" isn't his job. You need to be watching him, gaging his reactions and asking him for information when you need it. Also, asking for a break is just that, asking. Your answer can be no. I wonder if all of these things are happening because he's a bottom rather than a submissive. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it can present problems if what you're looking for is a submissive.

A bottom, in essence, submits to only what he wants, because he enjoys the particular activity. A submissive submits to what the dominant wants, because he wants to surrender. I'm not seeing that your husband  is especially interested in sub space or even thinks experiencing it is necessary to his satisfaction. I think he loves you and enjoys some of the same types of play you do. I don't think he truly understands what you're trying to accomplish, because his desires are different.

My suggestion is that the two of you define for each other what you want in terms of BDSM play. It sounds like you're not all that fair apart, just that the underlying motivation may not be the same for both of you. Just getting that out and deciding how to work with it should be a help.

On the issue of pain, yes, it can be very frustrating to be a sadist and not have a partner who is willing to do pain play. If you husbands wants to submit to you, it should be with the understanding that you will push limits, safely. If he wants to bottom, he may be willing to experience certain carefully negotiated pain play. Either way, it's likely you can gradually increase his threshold. Just be aware that the two of you may never play at the same level of intensity.

I hope this gives you a starting place. If you find you have another question later, please feel free to ask. I wish you both the best and lots of fun!

Mistress Violette