Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/21/2008

Question
I work for myself and have difficulty with self motivation.  I’ve asked my wife to become more dominant in our relationship.  We’ve been happily married for 27 years.
I’ve tried to suppress these feelings.  In the past I’ve thrown out all my femdom books, only to have the feelings return even stronger than before.  This isn’t something that is going away.  
I have my own business and work out of the house.  I’m having trouble focusing and doing the work I need to do.  
I want my wife to motivate me with immediate punishment (lecture, grounding, extra chores, spankings) if I don’t meet the goals I’ve set for myself and that she sets for me.  I'd like a home rules contract with rules and consequences that are strictly enforced.
I wear panties and girdles daily.  We have used spanking as foreplay, so she's not a prude.
She said she doesn't want to be my mother.
I don't view her as my mother, but I do want/crave/need maternal type discipline.  
So, I don't have a response that she can understand.  Not having this in my life is making me very depressed.

Answer
Hello, Rod,

I can't promise a solution to your dilemma but maybe I can give you some things to think about that might help.

If you've been in business for yourself for any length of time, that says you're doing a good job. The first thing you need to consider is whether you really want to mix business with pleasure. Many dominants won't allow BDSM into a submissive's work life or will tread very carefully. You seem to be thinking about quite a bit of involvement, so stop and consider how realistic that is. It could turn out to be more of a distraction and hindrance than a help. And even if you do decide to go for it, you might have a better chance of getting your wife's agreement if you start with something more casual and not work related. After all, your business success has an impact on her life and she may have concerns about a possible negative impact.

One advantage you have is that your wife seems open to experimentation in general. She hasn't ruled out BDSM play entirely, she's just not excited about what you've proposed. If you think about it, maybe you can see her point. If you expressed your interest the way you did in this message, there's not much in it for her. You've pretty much laid out what you want to do and how you want it done. There's a whiff of topping from the bottom there. If you truly want to submit to your wife, you do have to give up some control.

It might be helpful for you to concentrate not on your needs, but on hers. She's said she doesn't want to be your mother. Maybe that's an opening for you to find out what she does want to be. She might be interested in control of you but not on that grand a scale. Maybe together you can define a role that meets your needs in a different way and is more comfortable for her.

A submissive who just makes more work and doesn't offer any additional benefit to the dom isn't the most attractive offer for you to make. Figure out what you can do for her that fulfills your need to be submissive and then offer her that. Show her that your submission can enrich her life or make it easier or more fun. Give rather than take. It's possible you'll interest her in BDSM and the two of you will be able to build on that. She may even eventually be willing to do some or all of what you're hoping. But if not, the fact that you're getting to submit is what's important. The mechanics of it are secondary to the surrender.

I hope you'll share your needs with your wife and also consider hers. Who knows, you may discover more than you've imagined. :)

Mistress Violette