Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/2/2008

Question
hello i am new to this scence, actually i have not begun due to the fact that i am in need of someone who is experienced in teaching someone like me how to become submissive, i am not sure if there is a guideline so could you give me some information on what or where i can go to get the training i need

Answer
Hello, Louise,

I believe this is actually going to be easier than you think, in one respect. :) Being submissive isn't like being a soldier or like learning to drive. Being submissive is something you are, not something you do. Yes, there's a lot of "doing" in a BDSM relationship but that's just a manifestation of the dynamic, not the dynamic itself. All a submissive can learn from "training" is how to best please his or her dominant and that is personal to any set of partners. So you don't actually need training and it really isn't possible to do one size fits all training. When you hear someone say, "I was trained by Master X," it just means X taught her his style and expectations. That doesn't mean she's all prepared to go to Master Y or Master Z. Their styles could be totally different and the "training" would just have to start all over again.

What you do need to do is educate yourself. There are many ways to do BDSM, no one style works for every person. You should read about what other people think and do and consider how this applies to you. If you like a concept you can incorporate it into your own philosophy and practice of BDSM, if you don't like it you can discard it. It will help when it comes time to be with a dominant; you'll be able to find someone compatible because you'll know what qualities and beliefs will work well with your own. To me, the worst thing a submissive can do is expect someone else to teach him about submission. People who do that run the risk of having to force themselves into a mold they don't actually fit. Too, the tabula rosa concept isn't universally appealing. What is appealing is when a submissive takes some initiative to explore and think on his own.

After you've done some reading, it's a good idea to get to know some people who actually practice BDSM. There are groups that operate both on and offline and this might be a good way for you to start. Or, if you have access locally to a group like People Exchanging Power (PEP) or Society of Janus, you could start with in person meetings. BDSM support groups are primarily for education and support, not finding partners, so they're a good way for a newcomer to ease into BDSM. You can talk about what you've learned, ask questions and get more information. When you're ready to find a partner for actual BDSM play, you'll have friends in the group who can help and advise you.

I want to mention one thing that I've seen but that probably isn't true across the broad. You may come across doms who offer to "mentor" you, that is, not be your dominant but help and protect you. Some of these people are not helpful and some have actually hindered the submissive's search for a dominant. To my way of thinking, a submissive of either sex should be fully capable of protecting him or her self. Everyone in BDSM should have both doms and subs as friends and we all need to be responsible for our own safety.

Here are some places to start your explorations.

Sites:

http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

To find local groups, "BDSM support groups" is a good search term and returned several sites with lists. Here are two from that search to start.

http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/support_groups.htm
http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/SupportGroups/

You have a whole new and exciting world to discover. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette