Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/5/2008

Question
   I'm new at this very new at this. I've been having these feeling for a while now but I just ignored it think that it was wrong or that I would never get a chance to explore them. Now they are becoming harder to ignore. I started to do some research about the feeling and realized that I am a submissive and wanted a dominate except I don't like the idea of pain but of being told what to do and being tied up (lightly. I knew I had to talk to someone so when the moment came up with my friend I jumped on it. We were talking about our fetishes weather we have done them or not and she sort of freaked out when I told her mine. It made me feel like I'm some sort of freak like what I'm feeling is wrong.
   I want to experience BDSM but I first don't know how to ask someone about being my dominate. I'm afraid that they would say think I'm crazy and leave me. I have a boyfriend that I love deeply but I don't think he is the type that would want to do that. I'm confused about how to figure out what I'm feeling and act on them. I'll take any sort of advice on this I really want my mind to be at rest. Thanks.

Answer
Hello, Isis,

I'm sorry your friend reacted the way she did when you shared your interests with her. The problem is that most people know very little about BDSM. They get bits and pieces of fantasy from the media or they see outdated medical information and the result is inaccurate ideas that make them uncomfortable. So the first thing I hope you'll understand is that you're not wrong, your urges are natural and healthy. It's just that not everyone has them, so they're not well understood.

I'm going to suggest you do some more research, though. You're not yet comfortable with your own desires. If you take action on them feeling this way you likely won't get the outcome you want. I have some standard resources that I'll list at the end of this. Please sample a few so you can see how "normal" most BDSM folks are. You have to know you're not crazy before you can convince anyone else of that. :)  Eventually ou might want to chat online or in person with others for support, so I've included information on finding local groups.

Another reason you want to get a lot of knowledge under your belt is because you're already in a relationship. You're probably going to confide in your boyfriend at some point. If you ask him to be your dominant you'll want to be able to explain what you need in a way that doesn't make him uncomfortable. If you decide you want a secondary BDSM relationship, you'll need to be able to explain it in a way that keeps him from feeling threatened. The more you know, the better chance you have of doing this.

The interests you've expressed so far are relatively mild. That's to your advantage. Many vanilla men find the idea of control and light bondage sexy and appealing. Once you've educated yourself enough to feel confident about your interests, you might want to look at some erotica that includes some soft core bondage with your boyfriend, to see how he reacts. If he seems open, you can slowly introduce him to your interests and the two of you can keep learning together. Since your commitment to him is so strong, you might find that what he offers meets your needs.

Good luck to you. If you have more questions as you go along, don't hesitate to come back and ask.

Mistress Violette

Sites:

http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

To find local groups, "BDSM support groups" is a good search term and returned several sites with lists. Here are two from that search to start.

http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/support_groups.htm
http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/SupportGroups/