Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/12/2008

Question
I had a sub i cared very much for, some one who inspired me to take control of my life, and be with her. It was the first time i had ever had a live in slave or girl friend. Now she is gone and we both made horrible mistakes, how does one deal with the empty hole inside that is left by her passing, when no one else i seem to dom really compares... Ive tried making up with her but I doubt it will ever happen. Just really could use a lot of advice on this as it has been quite a bit of pain recently for me...

thanks in advance  

Answer
Hello, Graham,

It's always difficult when a relationship ends before we're ready. It's especially hard when it's a relationship with someone with whom we've connected on several levels. When a dom and sub really click and then stop being together, it feels like emptiness multiplied. Even so, the prescription remains the same, time.

It may not feel like it now but, with time, the pain and emptiness will pass. The feelings will probably never completely disappear but they'll get less painful, then more bearable and finally they'll be memories. It's getting to that point that's difficult.

In the interim, you'll have trouble being satisfied with other submissives because you'll be comparing them with the one you lost. She's probably already become more perfect in your mind than she actually was. Because of that, she's going to be an especially tough act to follow. Sometimes the prescription is to plunge right back in, which seems to be the route you're taking. That's fine, as long as you find it helpful and as long as you're honest with any potential partners. Be sure they know you're still getting over your previous partner and that you're not ready to be involved emotionally again right now. It's only fair they know there are limits to what you can offer them.

Stay involved in other activities, too. Sometimes there's a tendency to withdraw after a break up. It's ok to be sad but that can't get to be a way of life. Whatever you're committed to as work or hobbies, with family and friends, keep that up. Getting out and doing may be the last thing you feel like right now but, when you do it, you'll be surprised how beneficial it is.

Look ahead, not back. It's tempting to think you've got perspective on the problems and that you could make it work if you got back together. That rarely happens, so it's best not to hope for that. Be glad for what you had, cherish it, and look forward to the future with new people and new opportunities. It difficult, but you can go a long way one step at a time.

Mistress Violette