Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/29/2008

Question
I recently went home with a co-worker after a night out having some drinks. I have known him for 13 years but not really well. When I went home with him he told me I was not being a good submissive. I am so intrigued now by the whole idea of being his Sub. We haven't discussed what happened but I want to let him know I want to play again. Is it appropriate for a sub to speak about it to him? I don't want to do anything wrong. Should I talk to him about it(we are still talking like always as friends, just not about that night)Or do I wait to see if he does come for me like he said he will.

Answer
Hello, Lisa,

I know there's an exciting element to the idea of waiting to see if he comes for you. Even so, I'm going to suggest you take some initiative, in a couple of ways. First, educate yourself. There are many ways to do BDSM. It's possible the way your co-worker enjoys is also the way you'll enjoy. On the other hand, in your explorations you could find something that's different but will also appeal to both of you. Plus, no matter how submissive it turns out you are, at this beginning stage of the BDSM relationship, you're responsible for your own safety. It could be your co-worker is an experienced and knowledgeable player, but you won't know that if you don't know what to look for. Even more important, without gaining some knowledge, you won't know if he's not. I have some favorite resources for learning about BDSM that I'll list at the end of this message.

After you've explored, you'll be prepared to have a productive conversation with your co-worker. My guess is he made the comments he did to see how receptive you were to the possibility of a BDSM relationship and was happy with your response. He would probably be very open to you approaching him about playing again. This time, though, you'll come to the conversation knowing more about what happens in BDSM, what appeals to you and what your limits are. Negotiating doesn't have to remove the spontaneity. He can still come for you and it will still be exciting, just better for the additional input and discussion. The result should be that both of you have an even more satisfying and enjoyable encounter.

I'm glad your introduction to BDSM was the exciting experience it was.  You have many tantalizing discoveries ahead. I wish you the best during this delightful time. If I can help again, please feel free to ask another question.

Mistress Violette

Sites:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

To find local groups, "BDSM support groups" is a good search term and returned several sites with lists. Here are two from that search to start.

http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/support_groups.htm
http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/SupportGroups/